The Silent Disease (A Short Story)

            It’s neither an infection nor a gene; in fact, it’s a disease. Let’s face it…it’s not going to go away. You can hide as much as you want, run as far as you can, or lie to yourself, but it is always there. Once you have caught the disease, it forever changes you for the remainder of your life. You are no longer yourself or in control of your thoughts, actions, and emotions.

            Your mentality is screwed up and you feel alone. Everyone is out to get you, trick you, defame you, and belittle you. That’s just the beginning of the symptoms because there’s more. Not only do you feel a strong hatred for the world, you start to hate yourself, your existence, and your whole meaning of living.

How did it start? How did it spread? How did you get to here? So many questions to ask, but no one is there to answer them. The world is cruel and is not a place for the weaklings to thrive. You are a nobody and nobody cares about you. Let’s face it, if you disappeared off this planet for a day, a week, a month, or ever forever, the world still turns with or without you.

The first signs of the disease start somewhere internally. Not your organs or your insides, but as in your psyche. You feel the sense of loneliness after you contract the disease. And in that time frame of your loneliness, you have deep reflections and think about everything. Things on why this is happening because you have no idea what’s going on. You are afraid to seek help because it’s a sign of weakness and that’s not allowed our society. Only the strongest and fiercest survive and by going for help, you know you will get torn to shreds. So you keep quiet and tuck all of it into the deepest darkest corner of your mind. Pretend it never happened and that you are okay, but in fact you are not.

Next, the disease evolves to the next stage where you start to feel alone and in a state of denial. That loneliness has turned to make you think that no one is there to help you or cares enough anymore to help. So you decide to seek help, but you meet the wrong people. There are the two groups of people that you find which are practically of no use and causes more distress. They are the ones that exploit your cries for help and laugh at you and the ones who help in the beginning, but later leave you stranded by yourself. Now, you tell yourself that everyone out there is nothing but trouble and more pain for you.

From that stage, you begin to shut away from everyone you know and everyone you see. You can’t trust them because you’ve been hurt and left for the wolves to finish you off. It’s understandable because our mind is protecting ourselves from the unnecessary pain. But that pain intensifies and disconnects you more from our world. Trust no one, everyone is there to hurt you, and you are alone. Those three simple mindsets strengthen the disease and you start to lose control. You begin to think of the uncertainties of living. Is there a god? Is it fate? What’s after our lives?

It’s natural you start to think like this because you want to get away from this desolate place where you are uninvited. You question your purpose in life, why you were born, why you are being treated like this, but it’s not helping. So you resort to religion or even pick up religion along the way hoping that if there was somebody out there protecting us, watching us, and guiding us, they would come and hear your cries of help. You pray and wish things to get better and go back to how they were before the disease, but you never get heard. All the tears you cried for help praying begin to take its toll on you. You realize that perhaps there is no god to aid us and that fate never really existed. As a result, you decide to make your own destiny by thinking about the afterlife. Can you start over? Will you be in someplace better? Will there be peace in the end?

The final stages of the disease are beginning to develop as you consider taking control of your life. Of all the things that you try to create to make your life better, it’s not working. The only way you have control is how you die and put an end to all of it. A getaway from the living hell and you are not afraid. You know there is no god to aid us, nor heaven or hell to go to. By now, you are certain of one thing. No one is going to miss you if you are gone. Oh yes, they might be sad for a few days…weeks if you are lucky, but in the end, they still carry on with their lives. They’ll forget you sooner or later like everyone. Suddenly, you think about the people who have taken control of their lives and saw the media attention they received after. And that’s when people finally care and decide to make a difference in their community. Every now and then, people forget about why people took control. And every now and then, we see the media hungry for this kind of sad twisted news like vultures circling a deceased corpse. That’s when people decided it mattered to them. At least you started something after you took control. At least you made a difference, but not for long because people always forget the fallen and the causes.

Depression is a disease and it spreads fast within you and to others. Once you contract it, don’t underestimate what it can do to you.

Chapter 20- The Taste of Defeat

             Ever felt something so close to your grasp, but you can’t reach it? I have, many times. One of them is for a girl I liked which I will describe later on in the chapters. A brief background about this girl was that she was the one who inspired me to continue writing my stories. The one who gave me care and attention followed by kindness and understanding.

            One day during our gaming group, I decided to ask the question to her. Whether she likes me or not. Over the days as I wrote my stories, she supported me every step of the way. I started to grow feelings for her as I saw something so beautiful in her. Even though we are on the opposite side of the world, I would like to know if I could potentially role play date her in our online gaming.

            The time came and I asked her the question. Very straightforward and very honest. This was my first time asking a girl that I liked. I believe it should be a straight and clear question in order to get a truthful answer. She said she liked me as a friend without doubt, but a relationship was something she wouldn’t like. She replied a no and I respected her decision. Still unsure of the current relationship we had as friends, I wanted to know if we would still be friends after that conversation. She replied yes and I was very grateful that our friendship was still intact. She means a lot to me because she’s one of those people who comes into your life and leaves a footprint in your heart. I never really knew her real name, just the gaming name. A name is a name and I will never forget this special girl. That is a promise I have made.

            After the chat was over, I was getting very emotional. I cried silently as I reflected on the conversation that I had. As you can assume, I had my body armor off when I had the conversation. So any shots that I take will hurt a lot. I wonder if I should put my armor back on, but then I decided to leave it off. I want to be the real me. After some tears, I looked at the positive. I still have her as a friend. I can still talk to her and see her daily on the gaming chat. For that, I am grateful. I closed my eyes and went to sleep feeling that there was still goodness in the world. That there was still hope after I’ve been turned down.

Chapter 3- Secrets

             Ever wonder if secrets should be shared with people? I have. Question is how much do you want to share? Sharing it requires an act of balancing. Is it personal? Would sharing make you feel better than before? I personally think that if you share some personal issues that trouble you, it would be a wise decision even though lots of courage is needed.

            Here I am, sharing some of my deepest personal secrets for strangers to see. I think it’s easier for me to share secrets with complete strangers because you don’t have to face them in your life. From this memoir, I think sharing it to the world would somewhat make me feel better. Rather than digesting in everything and making me upset or angry.

            Sharing secrets is a two-way street. Both sides need to feel comfortable and secure sharing their secrets. I’ll give an example with the girl in post-secondary. When she was helping me with my crisis, she shared some of her family life and relationships that she had. From that, I was able to relate some points and feel better. Because she shared her secrets, I was able to share some secrets about my life as well.

            Sometimes sharing secrets is the only way to resolve your issues. Why leave it all to yourself? Let someone help you with your problems. If you don’t share it, people can’t help you even if they try. I think the time when I went to counseling; it was the unknown I had to face. I don’t even know why I was there or how they could help me. Nonetheless, I just said what’s on my mind. The one hour session was all I had. Pity it was short. Totally could have had more time. Felt like counselors should give more of a listening ear. So, to share your secrets and have someone who has the time and supports you makes me very happy.

            Gender differences also play a role in sharing secrets. If I showed this memoir to a guy, he’d probably tell me to man up. But if I showed it to a girl, they are more supportive and able to give some good feedback and positive support. Hence, I think girls are fascinating creatures.

            There is a secret that I’m not sure if I want to share, but I’d like to give it a try. Ever felt so alone you’d cried yourself to sleep? I have. Let me tell you this, it’s not just a one time occurrence. If you never cried yourself to sleep, you are very fortunate and have a good life. Maybe I’m too emotional. In society, it’s alright for girls to cry and get emotional, but not alright for the guys. A guy’s tough and strong figure makes them hardened. Question for all. Is that the way it should be? Can guys cry too? I think the more hardened you become, the less awareness you have for the others. What do you think?

            There are some secrets that I still regret sharing. That grade eleven year when a friend offered to help me get together with the girl I like, but went out with her instead. This time, I will go into a bit more detail. I never told anyone that I liked her since grade seven until grade eleven. He said that he could help me out with her. I trusted him. Spilled my secret. Got backstabbed. Sometimes I wonder if he became hardened, unaware of the feelings of others.  Perhaps, secrets can’t be shared with guys. Maybe I just haven’t found the right group of guys that could be trusted. Bad luck once again? Perhaps…

            So what have I learned so far for secrets? Some secrets are worth sharing, but some secrets need a bit more evaluation before you share it with others. Sharing it to others who are strangers to you are okay for me since I get the anonymity. Then again, this is my own perception and my thoughts, so I’m not generalizing. I am sure some of you would completely disagree with me. It’s fine, I’m not here to judge.