Chapter 27- The Captain's Logbook

             We all have a list of the good and bad things of what people do to us. No matter how hard you try to erase it, it will leave an imprint. An example is a clean sheet of paper, when you start writing on it, there are words imprinted on it. If you try to erase it with an eraser, there will always be smudges or dents on the paper. It will never be the same clean sheet of paper you had originally. The point is, no matter how big or how small an impact a person makes in your life, the imprint lasts forever.

            Here’s the question for you to think about. Do you want a sheet full of good imprints or a sheet of bad imprints? In my opinion, I would say all of us want to have good imprints. In order to get more positive things down into our books, you have to be around the positive and supportive people around you. Don’t stand under the cloud of negativity, stand where the sun shines and the skies are clear. To maintain around the positive people, you also need to be positive and supportive. Same ideology applies, why would a positive person hang out with a negative person? If you are in the same boat, its means everyone is headed down the same path and goal.

            For example, people who always disappoint me in my life rarely have my respect and trust. If they always let me down, why should I be near or be associated with them? Once in a while if someone left a bad imprint, I tend to give them a second chance depending on the circumstances. I am considered to be more forgiving than others. However, if you take advantage of it, you’ll lose my respect and kindness towards you.

What the message in this chapter is telling you is to be nice and positive to the people around you. Similar values and characteristics attract certain people. Like attracts like. It’s like a mirror if you think about it. Whatever you do, make sure you leave a positive imprint in someone’s life and not a negative one. If that’s achieved, the world would be a better place than before and everyone will have a sheet of paper without dark black smudges on it.

Chapter 20- The Taste of Defeat

             Ever felt something so close to your grasp, but you can’t reach it? I have, many times. One of them is for a girl I liked which I will describe later on in the chapters. A brief background about this girl was that she was the one who inspired me to continue writing my stories. The one who gave me care and attention followed by kindness and understanding.

            One day during our gaming group, I decided to ask the question to her. Whether she likes me or not. Over the days as I wrote my stories, she supported me every step of the way. I started to grow feelings for her as I saw something so beautiful in her. Even though we are on the opposite side of the world, I would like to know if I could potentially role play date her in our online gaming.

            The time came and I asked her the question. Very straightforward and very honest. This was my first time asking a girl that I liked. I believe it should be a straight and clear question in order to get a truthful answer. She said she liked me as a friend without doubt, but a relationship was something she wouldn’t like. She replied a no and I respected her decision. Still unsure of the current relationship we had as friends, I wanted to know if we would still be friends after that conversation. She replied yes and I was very grateful that our friendship was still intact. She means a lot to me because she’s one of those people who comes into your life and leaves a footprint in your heart. I never really knew her real name, just the gaming name. A name is a name and I will never forget this special girl. That is a promise I have made.

            After the chat was over, I was getting very emotional. I cried silently as I reflected on the conversation that I had. As you can assume, I had my body armor off when I had the conversation. So any shots that I take will hurt a lot. I wonder if I should put my armor back on, but then I decided to leave it off. I want to be the real me. After some tears, I looked at the positive. I still have her as a friend. I can still talk to her and see her daily on the gaming chat. For that, I am grateful. I closed my eyes and went to sleep feeling that there was still goodness in the world. That there was still hope after I’ve been turned down.

Chapter 17- My Readers

             I am very thankful for you not walking away and continuing to read my stories. Your support in me has been greatly appreciated as I continue on to write more chapters.

            This chapter is dedicated to my readers who’ve shown me that people out there still care. That in this reality, out of the negative, there is a positive. You know who you are. I hope that some of these chapters may be similar in your lives so that you and I know that we are not alone. If none of the chapters relate to you, that’s fine. Perhaps you are living the dream.

            We all have our goals in this life. Some different and some the same. No matter what our goal is, we try to achieve it. Sometimes it is the impossible, but does that mean we should give up? If you are not going to pursue it, you will never know if you will achieve it. My goal is the pursuit of happiness. It’s a direction, but all the little things build up towards the goal of happiness.

            I hope you will share these stories to the world to see. Show your friends, families, or even strangers. Your network will not know who exactly I am, but they will know that I’m a person telling my stories during a tough time in my life. This is the reason why I am still anonymous at this point. I want others to read and relate if possible while not being judgmental of who I am, what I do, and where I come from. In the society we live, there will always be some hate speech, but the intensity of the hate will be lessened since it’s not directed at me due to my anonymity.

            So, share my stories with others. Let us help each other out. If you don’t want to share, I respect your decision. I would like to thank you for keeping up with me till now and I hope that you will continue to read my following chapters. Thank you for your kindness.

Chapter 8- Writer's Block

             I sit down wondering what I should write about this time. I’m at the phase where every writer is blanked out writing their new topic. Since I can’t think about a specific topic, I will just write down some random things on my mind.

            One day heading to work commuting, I saw the kindness in people. There was an old lady who did not speak fluent English that got on a wrong train. One passenger tried to help her, but was not familiar with the train stations. He called out for help and then a man came. He told the lady which stops she should get off and transfer to which stations. The lady asked if he could show her the way. Unfortunately he was heading to work like I was. That moment in time, a woman approached the lady and told her she could ride back with her and show her the way. The lady thanked all of them for their help and the man replied that she reminded him of his mother. I was very touched by the act of kindness by three different strangers.

            There are days I compare my life with others because I want to have a feel what it is like in their shoes. Most of the time, I feel that there must be a way to make my life a little better than before. Avoid my problems or confront them? Or should I search for a new path? I think I’m trying my best to adjust a little part of my life to the pursuit of happiness. There are going to be many obstacles to prevent me from achieving it, but I think I must face it. Swim against the current unlike the others. Be different and autonomous.

             There are things that can’t be bought in life or it’s priceless. I think society thinks that when we marry people, you have to marry someone rich. That’s true if you are going to survive in the world, but would the person really see for who you are? I think that when you are going to begin a relationship, one must be searching for the things that are priceless and not quantitative. This is the ability to establish healthy and long-lasting relationships. I’ve heard about couple who have been together all their life. Reason? It was the love for each other for who they are inside no matter how bad the situation was in real life. They could battle down obstacles together even when splitting up seemed like a better choice. That is something I wish to have for each other in a relationship; the undefined love, care, and loyalty.

Chapter 7- My Beliefs Questioned

            With tears in my eyes, I begin to wonder. If there is a greater being watching over me. The being we call as our god or gods, do they watch over me? It seems like out of the billions of people in the world, who am I worth at all to them to feel their love and their compassion for me? I am a nobody. I’ve been praying every night since grade eleven for the same things, but I never felt like they hear me. Sometimes, I get a little good luck, but the thing I want most importantly does not occur. What do I ask for? To be loved, liked, and respected.

            Sometimes my self esteem is at its lowest. I feel like my prayers were useless. If god saw my life or heard my prayers, he or she could at least give me a hand or the support I need. I see other people getting their love from god, yet I do not. There are days I question whether a greater being exists. Maybe that’s why I never get help or have my prayers answered. Do they exist? Are gods created so that we have a sense of hope, a sense of security, and a sense of something we can commonly believe in?

            I can give you some examples of my bad fortune. When I bought lotto tickets on my birthday for two draws straight, I did not win at all. When the third draw came out and I didn’t buy the ticket with the same numbers, I would have actually won ten dollars. I’m not asking for money to fall out of the sky, but I am simple showing you my bad luck. I look back at the time in secondary school when I asked my friend to help me out with the girl I like since elementary. That incident was most unfortunate and I felt there was a force at play. Another example was when I graduated post-secondary. A few of my classmates had already landed a job within one months of graduation. Some even before graduation. Is it my sheer bad luck?

            Everything happens for a reason. Do you believe that? Or is it one of those statements you hear to reassure yourself? Sometimes I think there is a force watching us. Sometimes I think they don’t exist at all. Perhaps there’s a reason I’m writing this memoir and showing it to the public to see. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. Hopefully I can get something positive out of this.

            I once heard from somebody, whom I can’t recall, he said a phrase which was quite unique about our own god or gods. If you ask your god for something, does he or she give it to you or are you given an opportunity to get it by yourself? The way it is phrased can even make a non-believer a believer. Everyone has their own opinions and thoughts about their god. After all I have said in this memoir so far, you can imagine how I have doubts and little hope.

            Afterlife, what is it? A place where everyone goes after death? Or two places split between the good and the evil? Or none at all? I used to think a lot of what the afterlife would be. Questioned if my life would be better there than here in this world. During my crisis, I felt like there was nothing left for me in this world. But it was the kindness and care from the girl in my post-secondary that gave me a little faith in this world and that I should continue on and tell my tale.

            I hope that someone in this world would find this memoir useful and share it on with others. If you don’t find it useful or interesting at all, you’d probably wonder why I bother sharing at all. First, it’s better to talk it out and speak my mind. And second, memoirs are bigger than us.