The Silent Disease (A Short Story)

            It’s neither an infection nor a gene; in fact, it’s a disease. Let’s face it…it’s not going to go away. You can hide as much as you want, run as far as you can, or lie to yourself, but it is always there. Once you have caught the disease, it forever changes you for the remainder of your life. You are no longer yourself or in control of your thoughts, actions, and emotions.

            Your mentality is screwed up and you feel alone. Everyone is out to get you, trick you, defame you, and belittle you. That’s just the beginning of the symptoms because there’s more. Not only do you feel a strong hatred for the world, you start to hate yourself, your existence, and your whole meaning of living.

How did it start? How did it spread? How did you get to here? So many questions to ask, but no one is there to answer them. The world is cruel and is not a place for the weaklings to thrive. You are a nobody and nobody cares about you. Let’s face it, if you disappeared off this planet for a day, a week, a month, or ever forever, the world still turns with or without you.

The first signs of the disease start somewhere internally. Not your organs or your insides, but as in your psyche. You feel the sense of loneliness after you contract the disease. And in that time frame of your loneliness, you have deep reflections and think about everything. Things on why this is happening because you have no idea what’s going on. You are afraid to seek help because it’s a sign of weakness and that’s not allowed our society. Only the strongest and fiercest survive and by going for help, you know you will get torn to shreds. So you keep quiet and tuck all of it into the deepest darkest corner of your mind. Pretend it never happened and that you are okay, but in fact you are not.

Next, the disease evolves to the next stage where you start to feel alone and in a state of denial. That loneliness has turned to make you think that no one is there to help you or cares enough anymore to help. So you decide to seek help, but you meet the wrong people. There are the two groups of people that you find which are practically of no use and causes more distress. They are the ones that exploit your cries for help and laugh at you and the ones who help in the beginning, but later leave you stranded by yourself. Now, you tell yourself that everyone out there is nothing but trouble and more pain for you.

From that stage, you begin to shut away from everyone you know and everyone you see. You can’t trust them because you’ve been hurt and left for the wolves to finish you off. It’s understandable because our mind is protecting ourselves from the unnecessary pain. But that pain intensifies and disconnects you more from our world. Trust no one, everyone is there to hurt you, and you are alone. Those three simple mindsets strengthen the disease and you start to lose control. You begin to think of the uncertainties of living. Is there a god? Is it fate? What’s after our lives?

It’s natural you start to think like this because you want to get away from this desolate place where you are uninvited. You question your purpose in life, why you were born, why you are being treated like this, but it’s not helping. So you resort to religion or even pick up religion along the way hoping that if there was somebody out there protecting us, watching us, and guiding us, they would come and hear your cries of help. You pray and wish things to get better and go back to how they were before the disease, but you never get heard. All the tears you cried for help praying begin to take its toll on you. You realize that perhaps there is no god to aid us and that fate never really existed. As a result, you decide to make your own destiny by thinking about the afterlife. Can you start over? Will you be in someplace better? Will there be peace in the end?

The final stages of the disease are beginning to develop as you consider taking control of your life. Of all the things that you try to create to make your life better, it’s not working. The only way you have control is how you die and put an end to all of it. A getaway from the living hell and you are not afraid. You know there is no god to aid us, nor heaven or hell to go to. By now, you are certain of one thing. No one is going to miss you if you are gone. Oh yes, they might be sad for a few days…weeks if you are lucky, but in the end, they still carry on with their lives. They’ll forget you sooner or later like everyone. Suddenly, you think about the people who have taken control of their lives and saw the media attention they received after. And that’s when people finally care and decide to make a difference in their community. Every now and then, people forget about why people took control. And every now and then, we see the media hungry for this kind of sad twisted news like vultures circling a deceased corpse. That’s when people decided it mattered to them. At least you started something after you took control. At least you made a difference, but not for long because people always forget the fallen and the causes.

Depression is a disease and it spreads fast within you and to others. Once you contract it, don’t underestimate what it can do to you.

Chapter 20- The Taste of Defeat

             Ever felt something so close to your grasp, but you can’t reach it? I have, many times. One of them is for a girl I liked which I will describe later on in the chapters. A brief background about this girl was that she was the one who inspired me to continue writing my stories. The one who gave me care and attention followed by kindness and understanding.

            One day during our gaming group, I decided to ask the question to her. Whether she likes me or not. Over the days as I wrote my stories, she supported me every step of the way. I started to grow feelings for her as I saw something so beautiful in her. Even though we are on the opposite side of the world, I would like to know if I could potentially role play date her in our online gaming.

            The time came and I asked her the question. Very straightforward and very honest. This was my first time asking a girl that I liked. I believe it should be a straight and clear question in order to get a truthful answer. She said she liked me as a friend without doubt, but a relationship was something she wouldn’t like. She replied a no and I respected her decision. Still unsure of the current relationship we had as friends, I wanted to know if we would still be friends after that conversation. She replied yes and I was very grateful that our friendship was still intact. She means a lot to me because she’s one of those people who comes into your life and leaves a footprint in your heart. I never really knew her real name, just the gaming name. A name is a name and I will never forget this special girl. That is a promise I have made.

            After the chat was over, I was getting very emotional. I cried silently as I reflected on the conversation that I had. As you can assume, I had my body armor off when I had the conversation. So any shots that I take will hurt a lot. I wonder if I should put my armor back on, but then I decided to leave it off. I want to be the real me. After some tears, I looked at the positive. I still have her as a friend. I can still talk to her and see her daily on the gaming chat. For that, I am grateful. I closed my eyes and went to sleep feeling that there was still goodness in the world. That there was still hope after I’ve been turned down.

Chapter 18- The King's Knights

             What is loyalty? How do you define it? How do you gain it? It is a very hard thing to talk about because everyone has their own definitions. In this chapter, I will talk how I show my loyalty and what I expect from loyal friends.

            To gain someone’s loyalty, one must be able to show trust and respect. These are the two most common factors of loyalty. Combine these two together and you get loyalty. How much of these two components will define how loyal a person is to an extent. Would they help you out in times of need? Would they put themselves in front of danger for you? Or would they run away and leave you by yourself?

            My loyalty is very hard to get, but once you get it, you will get a very loyal person. If you abuse my loyalty, I will never be loyal to you again. Those who have shown great care and understanding shall receive my loyalty. Especially in my desperate time would I owe a debt of gratitude. In my books, this debt can’t be paid off because I feel like I owe a priceless item obtained from them. If you give me care and understanding, I would return twice the amount. If you gave me happiness, I will give you double the happiness you gave to me. If you think about it, it’s the basic action reaction concept. Or treat others the way you want to be treated.

            What do I expect from a loyal person? It’s actually simple, what I do for them would be returned as a gesture of loyalty. If I gave you respect because you are a worthy friend, I would simply expect that you give me respect as well. If I gave you a gift for our friendship, accept it and acknowledge that our friendship is valuable. That’s something that doesn’t need to be returned because it has no price to it, but a value. Although there are exceptions to the giving and getting part, this is what I expect from a loyal person. If I have found a person to be loyal, I will not state to them that they are loyal. I would treat them what a loyal friend deserves. Respect, trust, understanding, and my loyalty towards them as well.

            Even though each person has their own definitions of loyalty, but one thing alike is the feedback. You can’t get a loyal friend without being loyal to them and vice versa.

Chapter 17- My Readers

             I am very thankful for you not walking away and continuing to read my stories. Your support in me has been greatly appreciated as I continue on to write more chapters.

            This chapter is dedicated to my readers who’ve shown me that people out there still care. That in this reality, out of the negative, there is a positive. You know who you are. I hope that some of these chapters may be similar in your lives so that you and I know that we are not alone. If none of the chapters relate to you, that’s fine. Perhaps you are living the dream.

            We all have our goals in this life. Some different and some the same. No matter what our goal is, we try to achieve it. Sometimes it is the impossible, but does that mean we should give up? If you are not going to pursue it, you will never know if you will achieve it. My goal is the pursuit of happiness. It’s a direction, but all the little things build up towards the goal of happiness.

            I hope you will share these stories to the world to see. Show your friends, families, or even strangers. Your network will not know who exactly I am, but they will know that I’m a person telling my stories during a tough time in my life. This is the reason why I am still anonymous at this point. I want others to read and relate if possible while not being judgmental of who I am, what I do, and where I come from. In the society we live, there will always be some hate speech, but the intensity of the hate will be lessened since it’s not directed at me due to my anonymity.

            So, share my stories with others. Let us help each other out. If you don’t want to share, I respect your decision. I would like to thank you for keeping up with me till now and I hope that you will continue to read my following chapters. Thank you for your kindness.

Chapter 8- Writer's Block

             I sit down wondering what I should write about this time. I’m at the phase where every writer is blanked out writing their new topic. Since I can’t think about a specific topic, I will just write down some random things on my mind.

            One day heading to work commuting, I saw the kindness in people. There was an old lady who did not speak fluent English that got on a wrong train. One passenger tried to help her, but was not familiar with the train stations. He called out for help and then a man came. He told the lady which stops she should get off and transfer to which stations. The lady asked if he could show her the way. Unfortunately he was heading to work like I was. That moment in time, a woman approached the lady and told her she could ride back with her and show her the way. The lady thanked all of them for their help and the man replied that she reminded him of his mother. I was very touched by the act of kindness by three different strangers.

            There are days I compare my life with others because I want to have a feel what it is like in their shoes. Most of the time, I feel that there must be a way to make my life a little better than before. Avoid my problems or confront them? Or should I search for a new path? I think I’m trying my best to adjust a little part of my life to the pursuit of happiness. There are going to be many obstacles to prevent me from achieving it, but I think I must face it. Swim against the current unlike the others. Be different and autonomous.

             There are things that can’t be bought in life or it’s priceless. I think society thinks that when we marry people, you have to marry someone rich. That’s true if you are going to survive in the world, but would the person really see for who you are? I think that when you are going to begin a relationship, one must be searching for the things that are priceless and not quantitative. This is the ability to establish healthy and long-lasting relationships. I’ve heard about couple who have been together all their life. Reason? It was the love for each other for who they are inside no matter how bad the situation was in real life. They could battle down obstacles together even when splitting up seemed like a better choice. That is something I wish to have for each other in a relationship; the undefined love, care, and loyalty.

Chapter 7- My Beliefs Questioned

            With tears in my eyes, I begin to wonder. If there is a greater being watching over me. The being we call as our god or gods, do they watch over me? It seems like out of the billions of people in the world, who am I worth at all to them to feel their love and their compassion for me? I am a nobody. I’ve been praying every night since grade eleven for the same things, but I never felt like they hear me. Sometimes, I get a little good luck, but the thing I want most importantly does not occur. What do I ask for? To be loved, liked, and respected.

            Sometimes my self esteem is at its lowest. I feel like my prayers were useless. If god saw my life or heard my prayers, he or she could at least give me a hand or the support I need. I see other people getting their love from god, yet I do not. There are days I question whether a greater being exists. Maybe that’s why I never get help or have my prayers answered. Do they exist? Are gods created so that we have a sense of hope, a sense of security, and a sense of something we can commonly believe in?

            I can give you some examples of my bad fortune. When I bought lotto tickets on my birthday for two draws straight, I did not win at all. When the third draw came out and I didn’t buy the ticket with the same numbers, I would have actually won ten dollars. I’m not asking for money to fall out of the sky, but I am simple showing you my bad luck. I look back at the time in secondary school when I asked my friend to help me out with the girl I like since elementary. That incident was most unfortunate and I felt there was a force at play. Another example was when I graduated post-secondary. A few of my classmates had already landed a job within one months of graduation. Some even before graduation. Is it my sheer bad luck?

            Everything happens for a reason. Do you believe that? Or is it one of those statements you hear to reassure yourself? Sometimes I think there is a force watching us. Sometimes I think they don’t exist at all. Perhaps there’s a reason I’m writing this memoir and showing it to the public to see. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. Hopefully I can get something positive out of this.

            I once heard from somebody, whom I can’t recall, he said a phrase which was quite unique about our own god or gods. If you ask your god for something, does he or she give it to you or are you given an opportunity to get it by yourself? The way it is phrased can even make a non-believer a believer. Everyone has their own opinions and thoughts about their god. After all I have said in this memoir so far, you can imagine how I have doubts and little hope.

            Afterlife, what is it? A place where everyone goes after death? Or two places split between the good and the evil? Or none at all? I used to think a lot of what the afterlife would be. Questioned if my life would be better there than here in this world. During my crisis, I felt like there was nothing left for me in this world. But it was the kindness and care from the girl in my post-secondary that gave me a little faith in this world and that I should continue on and tell my tale.

            I hope that someone in this world would find this memoir useful and share it on with others. If you don’t find it useful or interesting at all, you’d probably wonder why I bother sharing at all. First, it’s better to talk it out and speak my mind. And second, memoirs are bigger than us.

Chapter 2- Facinating Creatures

 Girls, what can I say about them? Let’s make it into females in general. Over the months after my nineteenth birthday, I’ve come to the realization of understanding of how females play a role in the male’s life. I don’t want to be stereotypical, so I am just going to speak from my own opinion and perception. From my point of view, I’ll just be saying girls because it’s easier for me to say than female due to my age.

            From my own experience, I find that girls are the most interesting and fascinating living things on this planet. How a girl can complete and give a guy his desires is truly profound. Personally for me, my desires are to be cared and to feel like I matter in this world. Other people have other desires wanted from girls, but I am not one of them. I respect girls and appreciate their nurturing personality. A girl can make the fiercest of lions turn into a friendly sheep. Why is that? I believe it is our nature to need someone there to give us a second opinion, a second look, and a gentler way for the guys.

            From my story, I can tell how much I cherish hanging around people who care about me and who I care back. You see, between a guy and a girl, there is no competition. Rather, it’s simply the collaboration, unity, and understanding of each other. Take a minute to think about that. If everyone was like that, our lives would be harmonious and carefree. Reality? It is not that simple as it seems.

            So, what do I want in a girl? It’s quite simple. Someone who understands me, respects the way I am, and shows that they care about me. The girl from my post-secondary that helped me asked what I looked for in a girl. At first, it sounded like a hard thing to ask for, but when I told her my response. Isn’t that what everyone wants? That moment, the puzzles started to fit together. Everyone had the same standards. If so, why am I still single? Hence, I go and reflect at myself and start to tear up.

            Flashback to a day at work at my new job. There was a female coworker roughly in her mid thirties. We talked about girls and families. Eventually I asked if she had a family. She said if she doesn’t have a baby in four or five years, she won’t consider a kid as she would be too old. I asked her if she met the One and she talked about a time when she was in her twenties where she had an interest in a guy at work. Eventually she found out that the guy was in a relationship and all bets were off. I felt sad for her, but also worried for myself as well. Am I going to be like her as well? Am I going to be alone? With the streak of bad luck, is it even possible for me?

            Continuing on, I believe it would be beneficial if you had a sibling of the opposite gender. Same ideology applies as well. I only have a little brother who is a few years older than me. Because of his gender, he is not as caring and supportive as I would want from a sibling. He just simply does not care about me. Why I am saying that is because I had and experience once. Back when I just got over my crisis, I went back to visit my relatives. A cousin of mine, female, was currently in a relationship. One day we watched a movie with my cousins about a true love story in pursuing the girl of your dreams. From what I saw in the movie, the guy did not get the girl and had his regrets. After thinking about it, I became very emotional. Not sure to pretend to be strong and hide from reality. Should I talk about it? Who should I talk to?

            One night while I was sleeping over at my cousin’s house, I rested on the bed thinking if I should ask my cousin and talk about my issues. It took some courage, but the result was astonishing. We talked about the movie, how she met her boyfriend, and retold my crisis that occurred to me with the girl. We chatted for an hour and she listened. Then she gave me some advice and told me not to worry. This was the first time I had a supportive and caring relative. Someone who I could trust. Someone who I can rely.

            It is in my interpretation that girls are generally more supportive and caring. Although I did not receive a lot of love from my parents, I had built the craving for it. Because of the need, one who can provide the needs for me can win my loyalty and my love indefinitely just like the girl from post-secondary. However, she is in a relationship and it does not seem feasible. Sometimes I look up at the stars and wonder. Am I the only person feeling like this? Or am I in the wrong place at the wrong time? I try to not lose hope…