An Angel (A Short Story)

            Do you remember the day when you saw someone for the very first time and you felt like you’ve seen an angel? I have, but that moment was very short-lived.

            It was back in the days when I was when I was still a freshman taking my regular public transit to my school. I always sat in the very front of the bus where usually all the adults were seated and the rowdy teenagers sat in the back. To be honest, I was afraid to sit in the back due to the common stereotype that if you were “looking for trouble”, then you’d go there. Another reason why I sat in the front was that I wanted to see my stop in case the bus fills up and I can’t look out.

            One typical Friday morning waiting at the bus stop, there was someone I met which was still clear in my mind up till now. I got on the bus and greeted the same driver who known me over the past few months. I took my usual seat on the second row behind driver and looked out the window like I always did. Traffic was a mess day even though people were scrambling about in their vehicles heading for work in the rush hour.

            That day, something was different. A deviation had occurred in the daily norms. There was traffic accident in the middle of the intersection where most of the teenagers on the bus got off to shop at the malls. The driver turned left from the traffic under the directions of the police and began to make amends to the regular bus route. People on the bus carried worried looks on their faces as passengers were panicking whether or not they’d be late for work while students looked tense and nervous.

            I, on the other hand, was quite calm and collected. It was weird because I knew I was going to be late for my classes, but I was not worried at all. Everyone else on the bus was gazing out the windows trying to figure out what other means of transportation to take. The cell phones ringing, the texting, the chatting, and the not-so-quiet whispering seemed to blend with the chaotic traffic outside. The loud mixture of noise mixed so melodiously that I tuned out. It was a unique day and that’s what I liked about it. Change, that was the word that I wanted to describe. A change in the daily routine made the day much more interesting and adventurous. Not knowing what was going to happen made my heart accelerate to the unknown thrills of life. The intensity, gosh, it was something that I had been missing out over these few yours.

            The bus halted to a stop to pickup some irregular passengers who were madly waving at the driver. It was an elderly couple who seemed to be tourists for the parade downtown by the way they dressed. Even though the stop was not on our route, the driver gladly welcomed them onboard. I looked at the couple having difficulty getting onto the bus and immediately realized that the bus was full. So, I offered my seat to the couple and grabbed a railing. Just as the bus doors were about to close, a party of children ran up to the bus. The teacher apparently seemed to be taking her students on a field trip because she was handing out bus tickets for the children and doing a headcount. The driver again, gladly accepted the group onto the bus and the children piled into the bus. I had no choice but to move to the back of the bus to make space for the new passengers.

            In my head, I was feeling slightly uncomfortable because I had never moved to the rear of the bus thinking that I’d get into trouble. There were two high school jocks who each took two seats and a girl with purple hair writing on the back of a seat. I turned my eyes away in terror of getting their attention and saw another teenager who had tattoos on his arms. He stared at me looking as if he wanted to pick a fight, so I quickly turned my head to the other side pretending to look for my stop.

            And that was when I saw her. She sat next to the window reading a textbook. What stood out to me was her looks especially in the crowd of intimidating people around me. Like a bright moon in the dark night, she carried an aura. An energy that was lively followed by warmth. Her golden blonde hair gave her a crown marking royalty and her brown eyes complimented perfectly reducing the unnecessary attraction from other people. As I stared in awe of such a sight of beauty, she turned her head and looked at me. She must have felt someone watching her. When her eyes matched mine, I saw something in her eyes that could make any man’s heart melt. I smiled with a blush and quickly turned away before I died from shyness.

            What did I see in her crystal eyes? I saw myself…I saw myself with her and living the happiest days of my life. I saw the pure innocence and the beauty that every man dreamt of…which was a loving companionship. As I turned my head to look at her, she had already got up from her seat and was about to step off the bus. When the bus doors closed and the bus drove by her, she turned her head to me and gave me a warm smile like she had acknowledged my existence on the crowded bus. I smiled back with a light grin on my face and the bus drove away.

            That was it. I never got her name or her contact so that we may meet again. What I learned from that was that from the things you don’t expect or the places you don’t go, you’ll miss out a lot of opportunities. It was by pure luck that the normal chain of events was disrupted and I had been given the chance to learn from this. Although it was a missed connection, I believe angels do exist in this world that are here to aid us and give us a new meaning of hope and insight towards our daily lives.

Chapter 22- Sharing is Healing

             I find that sharing these stories to some friends who I can trust and talk it out with strangers is beneficial for me. Sometimes I consume too many issues that I can’t solve it by lonesome. Perhaps I just wanted a listening ear or words of encouragement to inspire me some hope.

            The first time I shared my personal issues with others was the time at post-secondary with the girl who helped me with my crisis. After that, it was followed by sharing with a counselor. It helped a lot and it made me more open to share my issues with others. From that day on, I felt I needed to let things out. Too much tension was building up inside me. One day, I decided to write what’s on my mind into a memoir. Writing it down is good, but not talking it out to get help was useless. After I met the girl from the gaming group, I felt like she would be one of those people who would care and give support. I was right and I was thankful that I met her. This is why there are so many chapters in this memoir. Inspired by her, I continued on past chapter one and decided to tell my tales.

            I realized that in order to help myself, I have to tell others. So, I began to talk with other friends in my life and friends who are in my gaming community. To my realization, there are people out there who are supportive and caring. Even though I had some tough moments in my life, I still have some people who are there to motivate and inspire me to continue on.

            I encourage others to talk it out; you never know if they are in the same position as you. Perhaps there are tips and advice that you could share. Get new strengths to overcome my weaknesses. Find new people that feel the same and help each other out. United we become and strength in numbers. I can’t be certain, but I feel that the more you share, the less alone you are in this harsh world. Maybe I’m wrong or maybe I’m right. Maybe I was lucky enough after all to get some good supportive friends. I will never know what life puts in my way…

Chapter 7- My Beliefs Questioned

            With tears in my eyes, I begin to wonder. If there is a greater being watching over me. The being we call as our god or gods, do they watch over me? It seems like out of the billions of people in the world, who am I worth at all to them to feel their love and their compassion for me? I am a nobody. I’ve been praying every night since grade eleven for the same things, but I never felt like they hear me. Sometimes, I get a little good luck, but the thing I want most importantly does not occur. What do I ask for? To be loved, liked, and respected.

            Sometimes my self esteem is at its lowest. I feel like my prayers were useless. If god saw my life or heard my prayers, he or she could at least give me a hand or the support I need. I see other people getting their love from god, yet I do not. There are days I question whether a greater being exists. Maybe that’s why I never get help or have my prayers answered. Do they exist? Are gods created so that we have a sense of hope, a sense of security, and a sense of something we can commonly believe in?

            I can give you some examples of my bad fortune. When I bought lotto tickets on my birthday for two draws straight, I did not win at all. When the third draw came out and I didn’t buy the ticket with the same numbers, I would have actually won ten dollars. I’m not asking for money to fall out of the sky, but I am simple showing you my bad luck. I look back at the time in secondary school when I asked my friend to help me out with the girl I like since elementary. That incident was most unfortunate and I felt there was a force at play. Another example was when I graduated post-secondary. A few of my classmates had already landed a job within one months of graduation. Some even before graduation. Is it my sheer bad luck?

            Everything happens for a reason. Do you believe that? Or is it one of those statements you hear to reassure yourself? Sometimes I think there is a force watching us. Sometimes I think they don’t exist at all. Perhaps there’s a reason I’m writing this memoir and showing it to the public to see. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. Hopefully I can get something positive out of this.

            I once heard from somebody, whom I can’t recall, he said a phrase which was quite unique about our own god or gods. If you ask your god for something, does he or she give it to you or are you given an opportunity to get it by yourself? The way it is phrased can even make a non-believer a believer. Everyone has their own opinions and thoughts about their god. After all I have said in this memoir so far, you can imagine how I have doubts and little hope.

            Afterlife, what is it? A place where everyone goes after death? Or two places split between the good and the evil? Or none at all? I used to think a lot of what the afterlife would be. Questioned if my life would be better there than here in this world. During my crisis, I felt like there was nothing left for me in this world. But it was the kindness and care from the girl in my post-secondary that gave me a little faith in this world and that I should continue on and tell my tale.

            I hope that someone in this world would find this memoir useful and share it on with others. If you don’t find it useful or interesting at all, you’d probably wonder why I bother sharing at all. First, it’s better to talk it out and speak my mind. And second, memoirs are bigger than us.

Chapter 4- Gateway to Atlantis

            Utopia, our dreamland and our getaway from reality. What is it? Each and every one of us has an idealistic world. We all know real life is not that simple and carefree. Our minds want to go to a place that is. No matter how hard one tries, you can’t make the world perfect. Period.

            Many people find ways to create their own utopia. I have two ways of creating my utopia. One, I currently run a gaming clan. The other, I write stories. What does both of those have in common? They give me a sense of control for my life. You can call it a false hope. From the gaming utopia, I want to feel respected and cared about. It works. From the story writing, I want a sense of control in my life, my destiny, my fate, and my luck. It works. Still, once in a while reality pops by and slams you back to awake and alert status.

            If I could take the life currently written in my stories, I would. No second thought about it. With the current situation and my life I have, it is the better alternative. Perhaps when my life is better than the alternative, I would have achieved happiness and satisfaction for my life.

            Sometimes when I feel alone, I dream of a better place. A place where there are no troubles. A place where I find the One and spend so much precious time together. I find most love songs very touching for me. If I was a song writer and a good singer, I would dedicate a love song for the One. Or if it needs be and it means a lot to me, I would sing a popular love song no matter how bad of a singer I was. That’s my dream. Carefree and no judgment. Simple.

            I’m beginning to think that writing this memoir is another utopia for me because of the anonymity. The idea of spilling everything in my head with no repercussion makes me have a sense of freedom and control. Still, there will be a reality check and someone or something will bring over a cloud of negativity and rain it down on me.

            I find myself as an optimist. I used to always reassure myself with the problems and issues I had with my life. Day after day, those reality checks really do wear you down. It feels like your body armor could no longer take any more beatings and you start to lose your optimism. Maybe I used my share of good luck? Now it’s the time for the bad luck… When there’s a push, there will be a pull. Action reaction. Cause and effect ideology.

            They say the grass is greener on the other side. It’s true. I look at where I am and then imagine where I want to be. Indeed, the grass is greener. Sometimes I feel like there is a high barbed wire fence blocking me from entering the greener side. Sometimes you could smell it, taste it, and see it. Sad thing is, you can’t touch it and feel what it is like. Only my imagination can fill in the missing parts even though it is not fully accurate. People say you should face your problems and go through it. If not, around it. I find it impossible to go through the fence or around it as it seems endless in both directions. What can I do? I sit down dreaming what I could see myself doing on the other side and then look at where I am. Depressed and powerless.

Chapter 1- And so it Begins

Some days I think of giving up in finding the One. Other days, I choose to not think about it at all. I guess I’m too scared to face the problem. Truth be told, I never had a girlfriend or had the need for one. I was eighteen and nearing nineteen when it all changed for me.

Back when I was in elementary school, there were some girls, but I wasn’t really interested back then. The teasing you’d also get in elementary made it harder for me as well. You see, I wasn’t the popular kid in elementary or secondary school. I was shy around people. Introverted, others would call it. That grade twelve year back in 2010, I decided to look at myself and change my personality and attitude. I started to do more activities that allowed me to interact with others. Started a school club, joined yearbook, and did lots of community service.

            Went to post -secondary, continued with the new me, I was progressing better and becoming less socially awkward and had increased interpersonal skills. On the last term, I encountered a crisis in my life from a practice emergency tabletop exercise. I thought everything went downhill for me at that point, but there was a girl in my class who showed that she cared for me. She paid extra time with me to help me through my crisis. Personal time which I spent too much and relied upon. At the time, I was hopeless, but she showed me that she cared and which is what touched me so deeply. This new feeling made me feel warm and fuzzy and brought me more dependent on her. Eventually, I took too much of her time and she started to push me away and ask others to help my crisis. I was upset, confused, and not to mention scared. Who shall I share my own issues with now? Who would care?

            One classmate suggested I talk to my instructor. It helped a bit, but it was not as strong of a connection I’ve made with the girl. Another classmate took me to counseling services. Talked for a while and got referred a book to help me cope. The book was helpful and all, but I could still not break the feeling I got for this girl. At this point, you’d probably wonder why I haven’t asked her out because she seems like a nice girl. Reason? She already has a boyfriend and they have a good connection already. This girl has helped me through a monumental moment in my life when I turned nineteen and helped me through my crisis. My loyalty and care are with her as I feel indebted to her. Because of my own ethics, I have chosen the step not to ask her out because she’s in a relationship. If she’s happy, then I’m happy for her. I ask myself if I should keep searching for the One or wait for her. I decided to do both, keep on searching and wait at the same time. Like I said, I am 100% loyal towards her, but I can’t keep myself waiting because I crave the feeling.

            After graduation, I decided to look for a job related to my field of study. I know both me and her were on the lookout for jobs. I got a job and then I decided to refer her into my organization. Helped her send in a cover letter and resume as well as some paperwork on my end. I knew she was still searching for a job, but I felt compelled to help her back. She was so close to getting the job; HR already contacted her for an interview, but it was conflicting with another job offer she got. A job which was closer to her home, good pay, and steady hours. She chose the other job and gave her appreciation for my efforts. I’m not usually a believer in fate, but at that pointing time, I was starting to feel like there was something stopping me and her from getting together. If it doesn’t work out, I still hope we can be good friends. I am pretty happy and fully of confidence when I contact her once in a while on Facebook, but I start to think the opportunities diminish over time.

            Continuing on with my life, wondering if I can ever meet another person like her. When I got my new job, I met some girls whom I did training together. Because I still had my great interpersonal skills, I was able to become friends with all of them. One girl stood out the most to me. Same age, same birthplace, and same birth month, I could relate most things with easily. Here’s the stunner again, she has a boyfriend. Why is it every time when I see someone interesting, they are already taken? Fate? Destiny? Nonetheless, I try to continue our friendship. One day she asked me a surprising unpredictable question. Was I gay? What the heck did I do to get that statement? To my surprise other female coworkers where thinking about that as well. Reason for question? I was neat, organized, and loved to chat. So apparently these characteristics made them think I was gay. So I spoke very straightforward that I was not gay. The girl and another girl who seemed nice that also had a boyfriend as well blurted out that I should get a girlfriend. If only if it was that easy…

            The following week, I started to get more and more hopeless. My old friends in high school, both grade elevens, have a girlfriend. I don’t even have one during high school. Flashback to my grade eleven year. There was this girl that I liked very much since grade seven, but I was shy. This was before I had my personality change. A friend of mine offered to help me and her get together. I was unsure, but gave it a try. Not sure if it was bad luck, fate, or a bad friend; the guy went out with her after a few months. To this day, I can only look at how foolish I was and got over it. This girl was not as caring as the other girl who helped me through my crisis. Moving on to the present, one guy who games with me grade nine also got a girlfriend recently. Although we’ve never met, but it seems that I seem to notice it more and more now. A few weeks later after chatting with him, a girl from our gaming group openly said that she had a boyfriend. Same grade, but located on the opposite site of the planet; I’m starting to question myself. Am I going to be single forever? There are a lot of girls out there, but why is it me with the streak of bad luck? Why me?