Chapter 10- Self Confidence

             I consider myself confident and optimistic in who I am. Although I may lose my optimism, my confidence still remains at a high. Never before have I had my confidence crushed so low that it makes me upset with my life. Is it just one time? No, it’s like a daily occurrence at work.

            Every time I go to work, I start with 100% confidence. When I go back home, it has become a negative percentage. Negative in a way that I doubt myself. Originally at work, I used to work during the day. After I got transferred to another department to work the nights, we had to get trained again. In our training group, I was the only guy. The manager from this department trained us for two weeks straight. During the training, I was kept being picked on and put on the spot where he would tease me, question me, and make jokes about me. He said that I shouldn’t take it to heart and that the reason I was picked on was that I was a guy.  At first, I told myself that it would be different after training was over, but I was wrong…

            At the beginning of training, I had respect and looked up to him as a role model. I told him I would be with him all the way. As things began to worsen, he would joke saying that if I was still with him all the way. No response. When you abuse someone like that and batter down their confidence, I can tell you that you do not have my respect, trust, and loyalty. One day at work, he made a joke of my appearance. I was offended. Sometimes when he picks on me, I feel like crying. What did I do to deserve this? Because I’m a guy? Usually people would resort to their anger first to deal with the problems. I love my job and the people whom I have to work with are my obstacles in making this job perfect for me.

            The following day after he made fun of my appearance, I went home pretty down on myself. Confidence shattered again. I decided I should tell my story about it and let the world know. I’ve also told the girl who lives on the opposite side of the world that games with me. She said it was harassment and sex discrimination. She said that I should report it. She gave me the strength to put back my confidence together. I decided that I will speak to my union representative when I had enough. Eventually, when you push people to their limits, the boiling water spills out of the pot. There will be the time I took a stand for what’s right once again.

            You want to know what’s sad? The girls in my training class knew I was getting picked on. I told them I felt, but none of them stood up for me. For me, it’s all about standing up for the little guys. Everyone deserves equal treatment and respect. If my manager was being a gentleman by not picking on girls, but instead picking on guys, he is not a gentleman in my books. My view of a gentleman is someone who treats everyone fairly and equally regardless of gender, ethnicity, religion, color, race, and by first impressions.

            It’s weird how society allows us to do things so unjust and unfair. Do we sit back and watch the unkindness happen in front of our eyes? Or do we step in and take a stand for what is right?

Chapter 4- Gateway to Atlantis

            Utopia, our dreamland and our getaway from reality. What is it? Each and every one of us has an idealistic world. We all know real life is not that simple and carefree. Our minds want to go to a place that is. No matter how hard one tries, you can’t make the world perfect. Period.

            Many people find ways to create their own utopia. I have two ways of creating my utopia. One, I currently run a gaming clan. The other, I write stories. What does both of those have in common? They give me a sense of control for my life. You can call it a false hope. From the gaming utopia, I want to feel respected and cared about. It works. From the story writing, I want a sense of control in my life, my destiny, my fate, and my luck. It works. Still, once in a while reality pops by and slams you back to awake and alert status.

            If I could take the life currently written in my stories, I would. No second thought about it. With the current situation and my life I have, it is the better alternative. Perhaps when my life is better than the alternative, I would have achieved happiness and satisfaction for my life.

            Sometimes when I feel alone, I dream of a better place. A place where there are no troubles. A place where I find the One and spend so much precious time together. I find most love songs very touching for me. If I was a song writer and a good singer, I would dedicate a love song for the One. Or if it needs be and it means a lot to me, I would sing a popular love song no matter how bad of a singer I was. That’s my dream. Carefree and no judgment. Simple.

            I’m beginning to think that writing this memoir is another utopia for me because of the anonymity. The idea of spilling everything in my head with no repercussion makes me have a sense of freedom and control. Still, there will be a reality check and someone or something will bring over a cloud of negativity and rain it down on me.

            I find myself as an optimist. I used to always reassure myself with the problems and issues I had with my life. Day after day, those reality checks really do wear you down. It feels like your body armor could no longer take any more beatings and you start to lose your optimism. Maybe I used my share of good luck? Now it’s the time for the bad luck… When there’s a push, there will be a pull. Action reaction. Cause and effect ideology.

            They say the grass is greener on the other side. It’s true. I look at where I am and then imagine where I want to be. Indeed, the grass is greener. Sometimes I feel like there is a high barbed wire fence blocking me from entering the greener side. Sometimes you could smell it, taste it, and see it. Sad thing is, you can’t touch it and feel what it is like. Only my imagination can fill in the missing parts even though it is not fully accurate. People say you should face your problems and go through it. If not, around it. I find it impossible to go through the fence or around it as it seems endless in both directions. What can I do? I sit down dreaming what I could see myself doing on the other side and then look at where I am. Depressed and powerless.