Chapter 48- Taking Higher Grounds

         Some people change and some don’t. What’s important for me is making sure I am who I am. I will make changes if necessary in order to improve myself and how I want people to treat me.

         One day at work, I got called to the big boss’ office to have a meeting. The big boss and a supervisor came to meet me saying that I had failed my probation at the department I was in. The boss who picked on me whom I’ve been talking about in previous chapters didn’t like my performance as well as another coworker who was a mother. Eventually, only two young girls were left in that department and I knew he liked the young girls. The big boss said that previous department that I used to work with wanted to give me a second chance. I was going to move back to my original department and also have my probation extended for an extra month.

            For me, I believe in self improvement and I wanted to know exactly how I had failed. The big boss said that I would have to wait a few hours before he got to work. I waited and finally saw him. He and another supervisor sat down with me to discuss. He said that he did not have to give me the reason why I failed or even tell me. I responded by saying that I wanted to know what I did wrong so that I can improve. Still no answer, but instead he yelled at me for saying that I wanted to improve when it was too late and I didn’t improve when I was working with him. He told me that he had the final say after talking with other supervisors and leads. He also mentioned that it wasn’t personal because if it was, I wouldn’t have stayed in his department that long. Deep down in my mind, I knew it was personal since the very first day he said he was going to be pick on me more because I was a guy. He only wanted girls to work with him and only the young ones. I thanked him for his support while I was in his department and requested a reference. He didn’t want to give me one and simply referred it to my big boss. I shook his hand and walked out feeling upset.

            The big boss was outside and asked me to have a chat. The first thing he said was that I shouldn’t worry about my probation and that I can pass. Next he said that my boss shouldn’t have raised his voice at me because I haven’t done any thing that’s wrong significantly. He leveled down with me and said to look at him now. He was my big boss. H e said that one day I might be a boss or his boss or the boss of the company. I felt inspired and became emotional. This was a good boss, a good man. He is who I envision to be a true leader.

            That night, I was upset yet inspired. I realized one thing; I was going to let this all go. There was no point in holding a grudge against my sexist boss. The actions he had made were unjust and unfair. He was too hardened to feel for others. I’m not going to be mad at him or act differently when I see him. I was going to be a better man and take the higher grounds with my morals and ethics intact.

Chapter 47- Feedbacks

             I believe giving and getting feedback is important. However, feedback should neither be positive nor negative, but instead be constructive. It’s easy to pick one person’s faults and errors, but is there a way they can improve and how to do it? Giving positive is very good, but does it give room for improvement?

            I personally like constructive feedback because I get to know the truth, but also get ways to change if need be. In my opinion, a critic may be one of the most negative people. Unless one is actually the subject matter expert, one technically has no right or knowledge to critic someone. Not all critics are bad in general. There are people who are good critics by giving constructive feedback.

           

            Going to my work environment, the boss who picks on me does not give good constructive feedback. His feedback is vague, indirect, and negative. As a result, the message he wants to portray is lost in the process. I guess it’s a part of miscommunication or maybe not.

            Another example is the feedback I get from my stories and artwork. I get a variation of feedback from different people. Some positive, some negative, and some constructive. Whatever it is, it’s still good to have feedback so I have a sense of going to the right direction.

            One should know that feedbacks are truly one’s own personal opinion and it is up to the receiver to take it and absorb it. If you feel strongly about something or a point, there is no need to sway just to please them. You can’t please everyone, but you can at least make yourself happy. It is that control you have over other people’s feedbacks that affects how you react.

Chapter 46- The Positive Shield

             Over the few weeks of getting still picked on by my boss and feeling down, I’ve come to the realization of so much negative impact my boss has made in my life and personal well being. One day I decided that dwelling in this cloud of negativity is not going to help me. It’s time for me to think and be around positive people. Life is too short to be focusing all my energy and well being from this boss at my work.

            This is what I consider the positive shield. Keeps me positive with life, self esteem high, and remain as a human without being hardened by body armor. This is a new defense, one that works without changing personality or harming others. So far it has proven to be useful within my hostile work environment. My boss wants to feel in control of everyone and he would do anything it takes to obtain in. Threats, talk you down, embarrass you, you name it. He wants control, I’ll give him it. No matter how bad the situation is, I have control of whether to take it in or not. This shield does not allow the negativity to pierce into me. One day he made a big deal of a tiny mistake I had made. He yelled at me in front of other people and put on a mad face. He would make me feel like an idiot and that I did not know what I was doing. My confidence and self esteem crushed gives him control and power over me. How I react is what fuels him. So I can make him believe he got me inside, but I’m actually intact and have high morale.  In order to achieve this, the shield would be the way.

            Like all shields, they must be repaired or recharged after it takes a beating. So what happens when my shield is damaged? I look at all the positive things in my life and tell myself that I should not take in these petty things my boss is doing to me. When I reflect on how supportive and positive my friends are, I feel renewed strength and energy. The person whom I feel has been the most positive and caring person is the girl from my gaming group. In the darkest night, her warmth and light shines me a path and lights up my hope. The positive shield is operational once again as I face a new unknown day.

Chapter 41- Adapt to Change

             In the world that we live in, change is constantly occurring. Most of the changes affects our daily norms or just push us out of the comfort zone. Most of the times, we just have to adapt to survive in this harsh environment.

            One example would be my work environment. It is a fast-paced and hostile environment. Going to work without my body armor proved to be deadly for me. After a few weeks, I had to adapt to the environment to survive. I would put on my body armor before work and take it off after work. The first few days were hard to adjust, but after a continuous pattern, I’ve established it as a norm. I think this adaptation is good for my own mental and physical health as well as having a job. It may not seem like a good job, but it’s a stepping stone to my career.

            Another change that I had to adapt was the time when I resumed leadership position in my gaming group. There was a new chatting system and a new website for doing our business. Although I was unfamiliar with the system for the chat and the website, I adapted to the change and went along with it. This change allowed our gaming group to be more active, social, and more fun. The easy accessibility of that chat allowed us to know more about the other members and establish friendships.

            From my experience, change is constant. In order to thrive in this world, one must adapt and establish new norms. If we continue to stay within our comfort zone and don’t step out of it, we are behind and missing out of the potential opportunities. Take a leap of faith and walk forward to adapt to new changes as they occur in your life. It may seem like a bad choice in the beginning, but it’s worth it.

Chapter 23- Stuck on the Spider's Web

             We’ve all been victims of something or somebody. Sometimes we just want to break free away from harm’s way, but we can never be free. Some victims take a stand, others give in, and others prey on the weaker ones to feel better. I personally don’t pick on the weaker and the small guys just because I’m a victim. Other people don’t deserve the transfer of rage or pain. These people are innocent and should not be part of the cycle, or else it will never end.

            Remember the boss at my work who was sexist? He continued to pick on me because I’m a guy. One day at work, he was picking on my procedures at work by saying that it was disorganized and incorrect. I asked him simply if he thought I had a problem so that I could know my mistakes and fix it. He immediately turned offensive on me and gave me an angry face. He said that my personality and attitude was not suitable for this group and walked out on me leaving me sitting alone by myself for thirty minutes. Once again, I still don’t know what my mistakes were. How can one fix a mistake if your boss doesn’t tell you what you are doing wrong and what he wants to see? It’s impossible. When the lead of my group that shift gave over to see how I was doing, I got upset and emotional at my counter. I cried because I couldn’t take it anymore of his attitude and I felt helpless because he was my boss.

            Can I take a stand for my dignity and unjust actions? Would there be a consequence? Usually there is really no way out. Either I take a stand and get fired or I give in and get kicked out. As I evaluated the two options, I realized a conclusion. Either way will result in termination of my job. One will leave my self respect intact and my values strong and the other one will leave me with no self respect, no confidence, and no dignity. I told myself that I would have to act soon. The more I give in, the stronger and more frequent he picks on me. It is not right and fair for him to treat me like this. I am not his loyal pet; I am a human being that deserves equal respect just like everybody else. There shall be no difference just because I’m a guy. I prepared myself for the next few days as I continued to take his shots. This time, I shall be strong as I told myself. This time, I shall take a stand for what I believe in. Equality and respect amongst each other in the workplace. For me, the battlefield is at work, but I believe it should be a universal field.

Chapter 10- Self Confidence

             I consider myself confident and optimistic in who I am. Although I may lose my optimism, my confidence still remains at a high. Never before have I had my confidence crushed so low that it makes me upset with my life. Is it just one time? No, it’s like a daily occurrence at work.

            Every time I go to work, I start with 100% confidence. When I go back home, it has become a negative percentage. Negative in a way that I doubt myself. Originally at work, I used to work during the day. After I got transferred to another department to work the nights, we had to get trained again. In our training group, I was the only guy. The manager from this department trained us for two weeks straight. During the training, I was kept being picked on and put on the spot where he would tease me, question me, and make jokes about me. He said that I shouldn’t take it to heart and that the reason I was picked on was that I was a guy.  At first, I told myself that it would be different after training was over, but I was wrong…

            At the beginning of training, I had respect and looked up to him as a role model. I told him I would be with him all the way. As things began to worsen, he would joke saying that if I was still with him all the way. No response. When you abuse someone like that and batter down their confidence, I can tell you that you do not have my respect, trust, and loyalty. One day at work, he made a joke of my appearance. I was offended. Sometimes when he picks on me, I feel like crying. What did I do to deserve this? Because I’m a guy? Usually people would resort to their anger first to deal with the problems. I love my job and the people whom I have to work with are my obstacles in making this job perfect for me.

            The following day after he made fun of my appearance, I went home pretty down on myself. Confidence shattered again. I decided I should tell my story about it and let the world know. I’ve also told the girl who lives on the opposite side of the world that games with me. She said it was harassment and sex discrimination. She said that I should report it. She gave me the strength to put back my confidence together. I decided that I will speak to my union representative when I had enough. Eventually, when you push people to their limits, the boiling water spills out of the pot. There will be the time I took a stand for what’s right once again.

            You want to know what’s sad? The girls in my training class knew I was getting picked on. I told them I felt, but none of them stood up for me. For me, it’s all about standing up for the little guys. Everyone deserves equal treatment and respect. If my manager was being a gentleman by not picking on girls, but instead picking on guys, he is not a gentleman in my books. My view of a gentleman is someone who treats everyone fairly and equally regardless of gender, ethnicity, religion, color, race, and by first impressions.

            It’s weird how society allows us to do things so unjust and unfair. Do we sit back and watch the unkindness happen in front of our eyes? Or do we step in and take a stand for what is right?