Chapter 41- Adapt to Change

             In the world that we live in, change is constantly occurring. Most of the changes affects our daily norms or just push us out of the comfort zone. Most of the times, we just have to adapt to survive in this harsh environment.

            One example would be my work environment. It is a fast-paced and hostile environment. Going to work without my body armor proved to be deadly for me. After a few weeks, I had to adapt to the environment to survive. I would put on my body armor before work and take it off after work. The first few days were hard to adjust, but after a continuous pattern, I’ve established it as a norm. I think this adaptation is good for my own mental and physical health as well as having a job. It may not seem like a good job, but it’s a stepping stone to my career.

            Another change that I had to adapt was the time when I resumed leadership position in my gaming group. There was a new chatting system and a new website for doing our business. Although I was unfamiliar with the system for the chat and the website, I adapted to the change and went along with it. This change allowed our gaming group to be more active, social, and more fun. The easy accessibility of that chat allowed us to know more about the other members and establish friendships.

            From my experience, change is constant. In order to thrive in this world, one must adapt and establish new norms. If we continue to stay within our comfort zone and don’t step out of it, we are behind and missing out of the potential opportunities. Take a leap of faith and walk forward to adapt to new changes as they occur in your life. It may seem like a bad choice in the beginning, but it’s worth it.

Chapter 36- The Mirror

            Sometimes I just take some time alone to reflect on the things I’ve done in life. Some good, some bad, but I focus on the bad so that I can learn from my mistakes. Being human, we ought to make mistakes. I have set a goal for continuous improvement to better myself as a person. Some reflections on the bad gives me regrets, while others I think about how I can fix or correct the errors or mistakes I made so that I can maintain my goodness.

            Looking back, I think I officially began reflecting after I had an incident during a conversation with the girl from my gaming group. I won’t comment on what occurred, but I will talk about the actions I began to take. That night after the incident, I was upset with what I had done to make her angry. I rested on my bed and thought about what I did. Whatever I did can’t be erased, but I have to make things right. I also came to the conclusion that I truly value the friendship that we have and that she means a lot to me. So if I don’t reflect and change on my faults, I would lose what we have and I will never forgive myself for what I’ve done. Perhaps I was too selfish. Perhaps I was too blunt in being honest. What I know was that it was my fault and I need to fix it. I want her to be happy, but I failed that day and made her angry. For mistakes like that, I am truly accountable for my actions. 

            I think that’s a major change I’ve done to my style of living. In depth reflection to see what worked well and what didn’t. How to correct mistakes and to prevent future occurrences from making me regret it later. Like a mirror, I need to look at myself and see who I am and what I want to be in this life. Therefore, this will be another task towards my goal of happiness.How

Chapter 33- High School Regrets

             I look to the past years with sadness as I think about the things I didn’t do. My regrets on not making the most of my time during high school. It’s the time before I changed my personality in grade twelve that I regret making zero monumental and memorable moments. There’s probably a big list of things I would do if I could relive it again.

            One thing I would do would be to study harder and try to excel in all my subjects. When I look at my past graduation and my brother’s graduation, I question if only I knew about the awards and scholarships. I probably could have achieved it and went to a better post-secondary. I would also participate in more extracurricular activities to be more involved within my school and my community. It’s a shame I wasted my high school years not getting good marks to be accepted into well known universities. Right now I understand that education is important, but my high school grades can’t grant me the acceptance to a certain program. Like I said before, school should not accept people based on smartness, but rather the passion to learn.

            Another thing I would do would be to ask the girl that I liked since elementary school. Till now, I never knew if she liked me or not. Perhaps at that time, I should have been more social so that I could get to know people more and make long lasting friendships or relationships with people. I probably would have met someone if I was like that instead of being single and alone.

            Looking back, I think these were the biggest regrets in my life. I should have worked and studied in school like no tomorrow, participated in many extracurricular activities, and be more social and open myself to others. Just thinking about the potential possibilities and opportunities I missed makes me depressed and think how big of a failure I am.

            So what can I do now? I can’t turn back time nor stop it to redo what I regret not doing. I can only look forward to the unpredictable future and live life to the fullest each day. Do the things I enjoy and make me happy and hope that the positive in the present and the future can overwrite the regrettable past. No matter how hard I try to hide my past, it will still be there. So, I urge you to make the most of your life and do the things that matter most to you so you won’t live with regrets like I did.

Chapter 21- The Wall

             We’ve all been through some sort of rejection in our lives. Either it’s going to school, getting a job, or asking out a girl, we all face something known as the wall. You can’t see through it, climb it, or go through it. It’s one of the mysteries in the universe.

            After I graduated secondary school, I applied to various post-secondary in hope to further my education. I had some well known schools reject my admission because I did not qualify. Education can’t be determined by money and your level of intelligence. Education is determined by the passion to learn. That’s what it should be, but it’s not. That’s a wall encountered.

            When I went to apply some jobs after graduating post-secondary, I sent out many resumes and cover letters to various organizations. Most of them never call back to let me know. When I do get a call for an interview, I go and then get called for a second interview. After that, I never got a call for the job. Another wall encountered as I had no clue why I did not qualify for that job.

            From the previous chapter, I told you how I got turned down. I’m not using the word rejected because the friendship did not get damaged from the process. I knew eventually I would have to face the wall some day in my life. I can’t be lying to myself and giving me false hope. Nonetheless, the universe has spoken and given me a wall.

            So far, I have not found a way past the wall. It’s an unsolved mystery or one of the obstacles that life gives me. There must be a way past the wall. Would there be more walls one after another? I don’t know, but I am determined to face the wall and not turn around. If I have to crawl under it and get my hands dirty, I will. If I have to scale the wall like I’m climbing Mount Everest, I will. If I have to keep pounding on the wall with my bare hands until it collapses, I will. It is clear to me; I will fight for the things I hold close to my heart, my passion, and my goal. My pursuit to happiness.

Chapter 20- The Taste of Defeat

             Ever felt something so close to your grasp, but you can’t reach it? I have, many times. One of them is for a girl I liked which I will describe later on in the chapters. A brief background about this girl was that she was the one who inspired me to continue writing my stories. The one who gave me care and attention followed by kindness and understanding.

            One day during our gaming group, I decided to ask the question to her. Whether she likes me or not. Over the days as I wrote my stories, she supported me every step of the way. I started to grow feelings for her as I saw something so beautiful in her. Even though we are on the opposite side of the world, I would like to know if I could potentially role play date her in our online gaming.

            The time came and I asked her the question. Very straightforward and very honest. This was my first time asking a girl that I liked. I believe it should be a straight and clear question in order to get a truthful answer. She said she liked me as a friend without doubt, but a relationship was something she wouldn’t like. She replied a no and I respected her decision. Still unsure of the current relationship we had as friends, I wanted to know if we would still be friends after that conversation. She replied yes and I was very grateful that our friendship was still intact. She means a lot to me because she’s one of those people who comes into your life and leaves a footprint in your heart. I never really knew her real name, just the gaming name. A name is a name and I will never forget this special girl. That is a promise I have made.

            After the chat was over, I was getting very emotional. I cried silently as I reflected on the conversation that I had. As you can assume, I had my body armor off when I had the conversation. So any shots that I take will hurt a lot. I wonder if I should put my armor back on, but then I decided to leave it off. I want to be the real me. After some tears, I looked at the positive. I still have her as a friend. I can still talk to her and see her daily on the gaming chat. For that, I am grateful. I closed my eyes and went to sleep feeling that there was still goodness in the world. That there was still hope after I’ve been turned down.

Chapter 1- And so it Begins

Some days I think of giving up in finding the One. Other days, I choose to not think about it at all. I guess I’m too scared to face the problem. Truth be told, I never had a girlfriend or had the need for one. I was eighteen and nearing nineteen when it all changed for me.

Back when I was in elementary school, there were some girls, but I wasn’t really interested back then. The teasing you’d also get in elementary made it harder for me as well. You see, I wasn’t the popular kid in elementary or secondary school. I was shy around people. Introverted, others would call it. That grade twelve year back in 2010, I decided to look at myself and change my personality and attitude. I started to do more activities that allowed me to interact with others. Started a school club, joined yearbook, and did lots of community service.

            Went to post -secondary, continued with the new me, I was progressing better and becoming less socially awkward and had increased interpersonal skills. On the last term, I encountered a crisis in my life from a practice emergency tabletop exercise. I thought everything went downhill for me at that point, but there was a girl in my class who showed that she cared for me. She paid extra time with me to help me through my crisis. Personal time which I spent too much and relied upon. At the time, I was hopeless, but she showed me that she cared and which is what touched me so deeply. This new feeling made me feel warm and fuzzy and brought me more dependent on her. Eventually, I took too much of her time and she started to push me away and ask others to help my crisis. I was upset, confused, and not to mention scared. Who shall I share my own issues with now? Who would care?

            One classmate suggested I talk to my instructor. It helped a bit, but it was not as strong of a connection I’ve made with the girl. Another classmate took me to counseling services. Talked for a while and got referred a book to help me cope. The book was helpful and all, but I could still not break the feeling I got for this girl. At this point, you’d probably wonder why I haven’t asked her out because she seems like a nice girl. Reason? She already has a boyfriend and they have a good connection already. This girl has helped me through a monumental moment in my life when I turned nineteen and helped me through my crisis. My loyalty and care are with her as I feel indebted to her. Because of my own ethics, I have chosen the step not to ask her out because she’s in a relationship. If she’s happy, then I’m happy for her. I ask myself if I should keep searching for the One or wait for her. I decided to do both, keep on searching and wait at the same time. Like I said, I am 100% loyal towards her, but I can’t keep myself waiting because I crave the feeling.

            After graduation, I decided to look for a job related to my field of study. I know both me and her were on the lookout for jobs. I got a job and then I decided to refer her into my organization. Helped her send in a cover letter and resume as well as some paperwork on my end. I knew she was still searching for a job, but I felt compelled to help her back. She was so close to getting the job; HR already contacted her for an interview, but it was conflicting with another job offer she got. A job which was closer to her home, good pay, and steady hours. She chose the other job and gave her appreciation for my efforts. I’m not usually a believer in fate, but at that pointing time, I was starting to feel like there was something stopping me and her from getting together. If it doesn’t work out, I still hope we can be good friends. I am pretty happy and fully of confidence when I contact her once in a while on Facebook, but I start to think the opportunities diminish over time.

            Continuing on with my life, wondering if I can ever meet another person like her. When I got my new job, I met some girls whom I did training together. Because I still had my great interpersonal skills, I was able to become friends with all of them. One girl stood out the most to me. Same age, same birthplace, and same birth month, I could relate most things with easily. Here’s the stunner again, she has a boyfriend. Why is it every time when I see someone interesting, they are already taken? Fate? Destiny? Nonetheless, I try to continue our friendship. One day she asked me a surprising unpredictable question. Was I gay? What the heck did I do to get that statement? To my surprise other female coworkers where thinking about that as well. Reason for question? I was neat, organized, and loved to chat. So apparently these characteristics made them think I was gay. So I spoke very straightforward that I was not gay. The girl and another girl who seemed nice that also had a boyfriend as well blurted out that I should get a girlfriend. If only if it was that easy…

            The following week, I started to get more and more hopeless. My old friends in high school, both grade elevens, have a girlfriend. I don’t even have one during high school. Flashback to my grade eleven year. There was this girl that I liked very much since grade seven, but I was shy. This was before I had my personality change. A friend of mine offered to help me and her get together. I was unsure, but gave it a try. Not sure if it was bad luck, fate, or a bad friend; the guy went out with her after a few months. To this day, I can only look at how foolish I was and got over it. This girl was not as caring as the other girl who helped me through my crisis. Moving on to the present, one guy who games with me grade nine also got a girlfriend recently. Although we’ve never met, but it seems that I seem to notice it more and more now. A few weeks later after chatting with him, a girl from our gaming group openly said that she had a boyfriend. Same grade, but located on the opposite site of the planet; I’m starting to question myself. Am I going to be single forever? There are a lot of girls out there, but why is it me with the streak of bad luck? Why me?