Chapter 33- High School Regrets

             I look to the past years with sadness as I think about the things I didn’t do. My regrets on not making the most of my time during high school. It’s the time before I changed my personality in grade twelve that I regret making zero monumental and memorable moments. There’s probably a big list of things I would do if I could relive it again.

            One thing I would do would be to study harder and try to excel in all my subjects. When I look at my past graduation and my brother’s graduation, I question if only I knew about the awards and scholarships. I probably could have achieved it and went to a better post-secondary. I would also participate in more extracurricular activities to be more involved within my school and my community. It’s a shame I wasted my high school years not getting good marks to be accepted into well known universities. Right now I understand that education is important, but my high school grades can’t grant me the acceptance to a certain program. Like I said before, school should not accept people based on smartness, but rather the passion to learn.

            Another thing I would do would be to ask the girl that I liked since elementary school. Till now, I never knew if she liked me or not. Perhaps at that time, I should have been more social so that I could get to know people more and make long lasting friendships or relationships with people. I probably would have met someone if I was like that instead of being single and alone.

            Looking back, I think these were the biggest regrets in my life. I should have worked and studied in school like no tomorrow, participated in many extracurricular activities, and be more social and open myself to others. Just thinking about the potential possibilities and opportunities I missed makes me depressed and think how big of a failure I am.

            So what can I do now? I can’t turn back time nor stop it to redo what I regret not doing. I can only look forward to the unpredictable future and live life to the fullest each day. Do the things I enjoy and make me happy and hope that the positive in the present and the future can overwrite the regrettable past. No matter how hard I try to hide my past, it will still be there. So, I urge you to make the most of your life and do the things that matter most to you so you won’t live with regrets like I did.

Chapter 30- Loneliness

             At some point in our lives, we were all lonely. It is our human nature to interact with others. There are days when I felt so alone and left out in this world. Days I question if I’ll find the One or not. I’m tired of being a lone wolf; I want a pack to join.

            One day at work, one coworker brought up the topic about loneliness. She stated that everyone feels alone some time even if you are married. At first, I disagreed on her point, but then I realized it was true after I asked another coworker of mine who was married. When she was asked the question about feeling alone, she did not answer and had a face that looked sad. She didn’t say anything, but I felt her message from her body language. After that day, I’ve began to question myself about the loneliness. Am I still going to be a lone wolf or should I find myself a pack to join?

            So far, I haven’t really heard people admit they are lonely. Perhaps it’s the body armor making them look strong. I can admit, I feel lonely. Life definitely looks better and fun when you do things together with people. People can have fun together with people. People can have fun together and go through obstacles together. If there is a problem, you won’t face it alone, but together as a team and solve the problem. No matter how bad a situation is, you’ll know that it is not just you who is facing it.

            I think I’ve been on the lonely path for quite some time. It’s time for me to get off that path and find a new one which is the path to happiness. In the pursuit to happiness, not being alone is a factor in my goal. There are lots of tiny factors that build towards my final destination of happiness. Even though one can never get rid of the loneliness, I still believe that being less alone on this planet would be a better day than before. At least I’m being less alone and alone bit by bit. Like a flower sitting alone in a field of grass, I wait for another flower to appear. Even though I have waited for years for a flower to grow within the field, I still carry on some hope to continue my journey to happiness.

Chapter 4- Gateway to Atlantis

            Utopia, our dreamland and our getaway from reality. What is it? Each and every one of us has an idealistic world. We all know real life is not that simple and carefree. Our minds want to go to a place that is. No matter how hard one tries, you can’t make the world perfect. Period.

            Many people find ways to create their own utopia. I have two ways of creating my utopia. One, I currently run a gaming clan. The other, I write stories. What does both of those have in common? They give me a sense of control for my life. You can call it a false hope. From the gaming utopia, I want to feel respected and cared about. It works. From the story writing, I want a sense of control in my life, my destiny, my fate, and my luck. It works. Still, once in a while reality pops by and slams you back to awake and alert status.

            If I could take the life currently written in my stories, I would. No second thought about it. With the current situation and my life I have, it is the better alternative. Perhaps when my life is better than the alternative, I would have achieved happiness and satisfaction for my life.

            Sometimes when I feel alone, I dream of a better place. A place where there are no troubles. A place where I find the One and spend so much precious time together. I find most love songs very touching for me. If I was a song writer and a good singer, I would dedicate a love song for the One. Or if it needs be and it means a lot to me, I would sing a popular love song no matter how bad of a singer I was. That’s my dream. Carefree and no judgment. Simple.

            I’m beginning to think that writing this memoir is another utopia for me because of the anonymity. The idea of spilling everything in my head with no repercussion makes me have a sense of freedom and control. Still, there will be a reality check and someone or something will bring over a cloud of negativity and rain it down on me.

            I find myself as an optimist. I used to always reassure myself with the problems and issues I had with my life. Day after day, those reality checks really do wear you down. It feels like your body armor could no longer take any more beatings and you start to lose your optimism. Maybe I used my share of good luck? Now it’s the time for the bad luck… When there’s a push, there will be a pull. Action reaction. Cause and effect ideology.

            They say the grass is greener on the other side. It’s true. I look at where I am and then imagine where I want to be. Indeed, the grass is greener. Sometimes I feel like there is a high barbed wire fence blocking me from entering the greener side. Sometimes you could smell it, taste it, and see it. Sad thing is, you can’t touch it and feel what it is like. Only my imagination can fill in the missing parts even though it is not fully accurate. People say you should face your problems and go through it. If not, around it. I find it impossible to go through the fence or around it as it seems endless in both directions. What can I do? I sit down dreaming what I could see myself doing on the other side and then look at where I am. Depressed and powerless.