Chapter 16- The Good Old Days

             Nostalgia, we all have our own moments that we all want to relive again. Was it hanging out with your friends? Meeting the One? First kiss? Living carefree? The things we cherish the most happens once. No matter how hard we try to recreate it, it will never be the same. There are too many variables from reality that prevent it from being the same. So what do we do? We store it into memory and set it as our standard to achieving happiness.

            What was a moment I cherish from the past? I think for a second and conclude that it was the time I felt like a somebody in this cold harsh world. The feeling of acceptance and care for me in this world. I cherish it and hope to relive it. Perhaps encounter a new moment that exceeds my standards. I am sure that everyone wants to be accepted into society for who they are, but I am merely assuming. Others cherish the time when they were rich, powerful, or perhaps just peaceful.

            No matter what our nostalgic days were, we all put in an effort to make our days better. But do we remember about others in our pursuit to relive the past? Do we drag them along to our road to nostalgia and bring forth a road of despair for them? We have to respect others as well. Hence our nostalgic days will never be exactly the way it was. People grow older, people change, but one thing that doesn’t change is the interaction amongst each other.

            You’ll find I keep talking about respect and tolerance for each other. I guess I cherish for my childhood where everyone was friends with everyone. The laughter of children on the playground. The carefree looks on each child’s dace. The days you could do anything you like and not do real work. Sad to say, people grow old and are introduced to the real world. It is the biggest change for us as we adapt to survive in this unforgiving world.

            What else do I cherish? I cherish the freedom that I once had. Playing with friends at their houses. Biking on a hot summer day to hang out. Sitting down by the dyke smelling the salted air followed by a cool gentle breeze. Running a school club and making new friends. Watching movies for a full day without work. The list goes on endlessly as I pour out my memories.

            The thing I cherish the most was obtaining the care and attention I received from the girl during post-secondary. That warm fuzzy feeling in my heart that changed who I am. That made me feel and open myself. That gave me the hope to continue in this cold harsh world. I hope you could understand how I feel and why I crave for it. I want to feel that my existence here has a purpose. A chance to be human again as I throw away my body armor to the side.

Chapter 9- On the Hilltops

            Pick your battles and which hills you want to die defending. Sometimes when people tell me to lose a battle because it’s not worth it, I think we should fight for what’s right. Fighting for your opinions and beliefs should not be easily forfeited. There needs to be some honor in fighting for what’s right. These are the moments when I face a problem.  If you can’t fight for what represents you, you are nothing and not unique.

            When you are fighting for what’s right, one must be sure you are not cocky or full of confidence. One must remain humble and respectful of other people’s views and opinions. I have friends who always think he knows everything and that he is always right. Every single time when a topic becomes heated, he can be very stubborn, single-minded, and super cocky. He will state that you are wrong and perhaps ask a rhetorical question about your level of intelligence. Sometimes his attitude just makes me sick and tired of it. When you meet that kind of person, you play a different fight strategy. Although fighting for what’s right is my strategy, but removing yourself from the fight is another good strategy as well.

            Sometimes winning a battle is by losing it. As you can see from my example, if every time I am with my friend and he doesn’t respect an honorable and decent fight, simply walk away. Let him feed off his own confidence and watch him fall later. Also, the abuses from his words are not healthy for me. If I ignore and let him be, I still keep my self-esteem and dignity intact. In a way, I did not lose the battle at all.

            What I’ve learned from this is to be respectful towards everyone’s views and ideas. Some may use verbal abuse and others use brute force when they can’t win. I’d just simple walk away if neither parties are respected. Simple, effective, and honorable.

            I’ve never been in a physical fight with people. I strongly believe that verbal communication can solve problems if both sides are understanding. Although actions speak louder than words, safety is always the number one priority. If there’s going to be harm, remove yourself from the danger. You’d keep your dignity and beliefs intact. Since I believe talking it out to solve issues, I have not learned any martial arts. My belief? Learning ways to defend yourself from attackers can make one hardened. One learns violence during martial arts classes. The more shots you can take, the harder you become and less aware of the kind peaceful human nature. There are some people who think they are invincible and change the defensive style into an offensive one. What happened to the peace? These things are merely what the world these days allow us to do.

            Freedom of speech in protesting is alright, but when the rioters come and bring violence. Does anything get solved? Innocent people mistaken for rioters, people getting hurt, and the real message distorted. The right to peaceful assembly is a right that’s been often abused by the violent rioters. In a society that we live in, there will always be violence until we have true understanding and care for each other.

Chapter 4- Gateway to Atlantis

            Utopia, our dreamland and our getaway from reality. What is it? Each and every one of us has an idealistic world. We all know real life is not that simple and carefree. Our minds want to go to a place that is. No matter how hard one tries, you can’t make the world perfect. Period.

            Many people find ways to create their own utopia. I have two ways of creating my utopia. One, I currently run a gaming clan. The other, I write stories. What does both of those have in common? They give me a sense of control for my life. You can call it a false hope. From the gaming utopia, I want to feel respected and cared about. It works. From the story writing, I want a sense of control in my life, my destiny, my fate, and my luck. It works. Still, once in a while reality pops by and slams you back to awake and alert status.

            If I could take the life currently written in my stories, I would. No second thought about it. With the current situation and my life I have, it is the better alternative. Perhaps when my life is better than the alternative, I would have achieved happiness and satisfaction for my life.

            Sometimes when I feel alone, I dream of a better place. A place where there are no troubles. A place where I find the One and spend so much precious time together. I find most love songs very touching for me. If I was a song writer and a good singer, I would dedicate a love song for the One. Or if it needs be and it means a lot to me, I would sing a popular love song no matter how bad of a singer I was. That’s my dream. Carefree and no judgment. Simple.

            I’m beginning to think that writing this memoir is another utopia for me because of the anonymity. The idea of spilling everything in my head with no repercussion makes me have a sense of freedom and control. Still, there will be a reality check and someone or something will bring over a cloud of negativity and rain it down on me.

            I find myself as an optimist. I used to always reassure myself with the problems and issues I had with my life. Day after day, those reality checks really do wear you down. It feels like your body armor could no longer take any more beatings and you start to lose your optimism. Maybe I used my share of good luck? Now it’s the time for the bad luck… When there’s a push, there will be a pull. Action reaction. Cause and effect ideology.

            They say the grass is greener on the other side. It’s true. I look at where I am and then imagine where I want to be. Indeed, the grass is greener. Sometimes I feel like there is a high barbed wire fence blocking me from entering the greener side. Sometimes you could smell it, taste it, and see it. Sad thing is, you can’t touch it and feel what it is like. Only my imagination can fill in the missing parts even though it is not fully accurate. People say you should face your problems and go through it. If not, around it. I find it impossible to go through the fence or around it as it seems endless in both directions. What can I do? I sit down dreaming what I could see myself doing on the other side and then look at where I am. Depressed and powerless.