UNSCDF Chapter 45- Untold Stories

Richmond, British Columbia, Canada
UNSC Richmond Outpost
August 6, 1999
2030 Local Time

            Charlie sat on his bed quietly as he reflected on the events that happened in the past few days. It was so silent that you can hear Charlie’s deep breaths as he closed his eyes. He was in bad shape just from the looks of his face. The bright energetic persona was longer there and was replaced by a sad sulky aura.

            “Why is this happening?” Charlie looked at the ceiling attempting to contact a greater being.

            Charlie wasn’t sure which hurt him more; joining the UNSC and risking his life to find Sarah and to find out later that she’s married or totally missing the opportunity with Mary because he was looking for Sarah, but it was all too late now. Both events equally pierced his heart like a sharp dagger. Charlie didn’t want to think about it because the more he thought about it, the dagger plunged further. He wanted to burst to tears in sorrow, but he held himself back. Only warm tear drops trickled down his melancholy face. Charlie grabbed a tissue beside his bed and wiped his face. He was alone and lost. Charlie had no idea who he was anymore or what his purpose in life was. A little part of him wanted to scream out loud so the whole world could hear his pain. Instead, he held his composure as tears continued to stream over his face. Charlie heard a couple of knocks on his door and slowly got off his bed. He wiped the remaining tears away and stood at the door. He was hesitant in opening the door as he felt ashamed if people saw him crying. The door knocked again and Charlie stood still.

            “Zyrok, you in here?” Casey’s voice spoke from behind the door.

            Charlie thought for a minute and walked a step back.

            “Zyrok? We need to talk, it’s important.” Casey continued to knock.

         Charlie struggled to walk forward. Every step towards opening the door felt like his impending doom. His men wanted to see him and he valued his men. For that, Charlie paced to the door and opened it unaware of his red teary eyes.

            “Sir…are you alright?” Casey greeted and immediately looked at Charlie’s eyes.

            To Charlie’s surprise, it was not just Casey who stood outside his door. In fact, Hawkes was beside him as well.

            “I’m okay.” Charlie lied.

            “What’s up Zyrok?” Hawkes looked at Charlie with soothing eyes.

            “What do you want to talk about?” Charlie attempted to change the focus.

            “It can wait. You don’t look too well sir. Do you want to talk about it?” Hawkes offered his help.

            Charlie froze for a second as he thought if he should tell them his problems. He decided to tell them his pain after help was given to him. People wanted to hear him out and perhaps it was the only way Charlie could face his problems.

            “Come on in.” Charlie waved.

            Casey and Hawkes entered and closed the door behind them. Charlie sat on his bed while Hawkes sat beside him. Casey grabbed a chair and pulled it in front of Charlie.

            “Where do I begin?” Charlie asked.

            “Anything you like.” Hawkes replied.

            “Okay.” Charlie took a deep breath.

            Charlie started off with the story before joining the UNSC followed by the real reason behind joining the UNSC to find Sarah. Both the marines listened to Charlie attentively and nodded their heads followed by warm smiles. He continued on with the relationship he had with Mary and his conflicting interests. Hawkes smiled as he heard the part about Mary.

            “It’s a good story. Didn’t know you were that kind of person.” Casey interrupted.

            “That’s the good part…” Charlie continued.

            “Continue please.” Hawkes nodded.

            Charlie continued with his pursuit of Sarah over various missions. He took out his poem and a picture of Sarah he had printed off. Casey took the poem and photo and examined it.

            “Now, the hard part…” Charlie closed his eyes as he felt tears fill his eyelids.

            Charlie rubbed his eyes and covered his face. It was too difficult for him to tell the truth. The truth hurt and he had to face it.

            “It’s okay mate.” Hawkes put his arm around Charlie.

            Charlie cried a little more and the wiped his face with his sleeves. He stared at the ground and began with the conversation he had with Sarah a few days prior. Every inch of word he spoke felt like a needle poke at his heart. Charlie endured the pain as he continued to talk. His story must be told; it had to be shared. Casey listened and smiled in sympathy while Hawkes grabbed a tissue for Charlie. After Sarah’s story, he felt himself die a little, but he took a deep breath and continued on. It was painful, but Charlie soldiered on. He wanted to finish Mary’s story before he could be at peace. Charlie’s hand turned stone cold and his expression turned to lost and hopelessness.

            “You can do it Zyrok.” Casey encouraged.

            “It will make you feel better. Talk it out.” Hawkes handed Charlie another tissue.

            Charlie reached into his pocket and pulled out Mary’s note. Hawkes stuck out his hand and took it from Charlie. Charlie started talking with the note Mary had left for him when she left for the trip to the Scavengers’ Holdout. He paused for a moment when he pictured Derek and Mary holding hands.

            “I was too late. Just like Sarah…” Charlie spoke out loud in thought.

            Charlie rubbed his eyes as he continued on. He talked about meeting Mary and Derek and how any possibilities of anything happening ceased to exist.

            “So that’s my story as I enter my phase of deep depression…” Charlie sighed as he finished talking.

            “Wow, it must be really hard on you.” Casey concluded.

            “Yes, you have no idea.” Charlie held his head down.

        “You are right, I have no idea. I’ve never been placed in that position before.” Casey spoke truthfully.

            “I don’t see a purpose in living anymore.” Charlie placed his hand on his pistol.

            “Woah there mate, easy now. It’s not that bad.” Hawkes assured with a surprised look on his face.

            “I have failed myself.” Charlie pulled out his USP and pointed at his head.

            “No!” Casey and Hawkes both stood up.

            Charlie stood up and backed up to his desk away from the advancing concerned marines.

            “Don’t do it Zyrok.” Casey motioned Charlie to put down his gun.

            “I have lost everything.” Charlie cried.

            “No you haven’t. You still got us. We care man. Put the gun down please.” Casey took a step forward with open arms.

            “I’ve lost more than that. I lost everything! My life! My purpose! My hope! My heart!” Charlie shouted in despair as he pressed the gun barrel firmly to his temple.

            “Put the gun down man.” Casey repeated.

            “Zyrok, you need help. We can get you help. Can you just put the gun down? We can talk this out.” Hawkes spoke softly.

            “It’s too late. I was planning this already. You heard my story. At least I won’t go on knowing my story wasn’t told.” Charlie felt at peace.

            “It’s never too late.” Casey took a small step forward.

            “Step back Casey.” Charlie warned.

            Hawkes slowly walked forward as Casey stood his ground.

            “I’m so sorry guys.” Charlie sighed.

            “No…” Hawkes cried.

            “I’m so sorry Sarah. I’ve failed.” Charlie closed his eyes and tilted his head up.

            The hallway outside Charlie’s quarters was quiet for a brief period as marines walked past the door.

            “No!” Casey’s voice penetrated out the door breaking the silent halls.

            Bang! A loud gunshot pierced from Charlie’s room followed by a loud thump. Marines nearby the quarters heard the gunshot resonate the halls and rushed towards Charlie’s quarters unaware of what had happened. Two marines drew out their Lock 17 pistols while another marine kicked down the door. The room was dark and stuffy. Two figures crouched beside another figure lying on the ground next to a desk.

            “Freeze!” the marines called out and pointed their pistols at the two crouched figures clearly unconscious of what went on in the room before they had bashed the door down and stormed in.

Chapter 43- The Want Effect

             I’m not sure if you find this true, but I’ve seem to believe in this theory of the want effect. What is the want effect? Well, it’s basically the more you want of something, the harder it is to get it or obtain it. Is there really an explanation for it? Not really. You can call it bad luck, coincidence, or the mystery of the universe, but this want effect is bound to happen in your life. I just seem to notice it more often nowadays.

            First example, the fuel price. When I want to fill up my car with fuel, gas prices are at a high. When I’m not looking for fuel and I pass by gas stations, the prices are so cheap. Perhaps, it’s just coincidence that my fuel runs out when it’s at a high price. But if I look at it, I want fuel for my car and I must have it. When I don’t want fuel, the price is low. Perhaps it’s good marketing on the gas station as it meets up with the public demand.

            Second example, the gaming world. Not realistic in any way, but when I’m searching for rare items with the objective set in my head, I never find the items. I have a gaming friend who has not set the objective of finding the rare items, he happens to find the rarest item in the game. Was it bad lick on my part and good luck on his part? Perhaps, but if you take a closer look at our wants and desires, the more I desire to search the items, I can’t even find it. The less my gaming friend desires to search the best item, he manages to find it. Maybe it’s the mindset so that you will be surprised when you least expect it.

            Third example, the relationship race. In my high school when I was in grade eight, there were two girls that liked me. At that time, my mind was not into the race and I did not pursue the relationship from them. Now that I start to begin the race, I am so far behind and it seems almost impossible to find the One. Upon a closer examination, you’ll find that it’s all in the wants and desires. In grade eight, I wasn’t interested in relationships and I got girls who liked me. Now that I’m interested in relationships, I can barely find girls that liked me in high school. Perhaps it was the age and level of maturity. Perhaps it’s just the want effect.

            Still unexplained, the want effect continues to prove that the more you want something, the harder it is to obtain and to achieve it. I guess I could consider it as a wall that I’ll have to face in my life. Another unsolved mystery in the universe as to why the more you want, the harder it is to get is now added to my books about my life in this memoir.

Chapter 37- The Race

             One of my friends once told me that I began the relationship game later than the others. Most of the people I know have begun this race in their high school years and are well ahead of me. With a sigh of hopelessness and despair, I began to regret. How can I finish to the top if I am the last? How can I find the strength to continue on this hopeless race? How long would this race be?

            As I reflected on my past to the present, maybe I was destined to be single. All by myself in this world. As I thought about it, my eyes began to tear. Perhaps I will never reach my goal to happiness. Perhaps all the fish in the sea are taken. Is there even a purpose that I’m here for in this world? I think to myself, that there must be at least a reason. Maybe I was born to fail so that others can learn from me through my memoirs.

            As I looked at my life, the girl from my gaming group was a big inspiration for giving me hope and positive thinking in a world of like this. In a world of chaos, disorganization, and unpredictability, she has been like a lighthouse guiding me to the right direction. To lose that light, I think I would be sailing through life blindly with no clear goals or purpose in life. From my reflection, she means a lot to me and I can never stress that enough.

            The race is a tough one, but maybe starting later is better. I can learn form the mistakes and errors made or the things that worked from the people ahead of me. I picked myself up from the ground and dusted off myself. I am going to finish the race no matter how many obstacles or how behind I am. If I have to crawl to the finish line, I will do that. I feel the strength of determination as I see the light and pass one obstacle. How many obstacles are left? I am not sure…

Chapter 33- High School Regrets

             I look to the past years with sadness as I think about the things I didn’t do. My regrets on not making the most of my time during high school. It’s the time before I changed my personality in grade twelve that I regret making zero monumental and memorable moments. There’s probably a big list of things I would do if I could relive it again.

            One thing I would do would be to study harder and try to excel in all my subjects. When I look at my past graduation and my brother’s graduation, I question if only I knew about the awards and scholarships. I probably could have achieved it and went to a better post-secondary. I would also participate in more extracurricular activities to be more involved within my school and my community. It’s a shame I wasted my high school years not getting good marks to be accepted into well known universities. Right now I understand that education is important, but my high school grades can’t grant me the acceptance to a certain program. Like I said before, school should not accept people based on smartness, but rather the passion to learn.

            Another thing I would do would be to ask the girl that I liked since elementary school. Till now, I never knew if she liked me or not. Perhaps at that time, I should have been more social so that I could get to know people more and make long lasting friendships or relationships with people. I probably would have met someone if I was like that instead of being single and alone.

            Looking back, I think these were the biggest regrets in my life. I should have worked and studied in school like no tomorrow, participated in many extracurricular activities, and be more social and open myself to others. Just thinking about the potential possibilities and opportunities I missed makes me depressed and think how big of a failure I am.

            So what can I do now? I can’t turn back time nor stop it to redo what I regret not doing. I can only look forward to the unpredictable future and live life to the fullest each day. Do the things I enjoy and make me happy and hope that the positive in the present and the future can overwrite the regrettable past. No matter how hard I try to hide my past, it will still be there. So, I urge you to make the most of your life and do the things that matter most to you so you won’t live with regrets like I did.

Chapter 24- A Second Chance

             I believe everyone should have a second chance. We all make mistakes in our lives and need to be forgiven. This chapter will talk about why I believe in second chances and how I gave a stranger a second chance and how we became good friends.

            People generally have good intent, but when something in real life becomes an issue affecting them, it changes who they are. They make rash decisions and become a different person. Usually, when the person has dealt with the issue, they regret some of the choices they made. People who first meet you during your hard times have already based an impression of who you are, but that’s wrong. If you let others know that you have issues to deal with, you should be given a second chance.

            In my gaming group, there was a guy who just joined my group. He would say that another member posted harassing comments on our gaming forum. Later, we asked a gaming moderator to ban the harasser. It turns out that the guy who pointed out the harasser was actually playing two accounts. He got banned for three days and other members were upset because he lied to us. Some members wanted him out of our group. Others wanted him to apologize to everyone in the group by sending out a private message. I had a chat with him, turns out he had some issues in life that was making him be like that. From my experience, I know how hard issues can take a toll on you. I told him next time to talk it out with us and be open to us. Since I was the leader, I told all the members that he was having real life issues and that he was excused. Some called for punishment for his actions, but I replied that he got his punishment already from the ban. It was not necessary to go further, this guy needed a second chance because I saw potential in him and his goodness to admit fault.

            When I look back at that day, I was very glad I made the right choice and gave him a second chance to start over. Put his past behind and looked for his real self. Now, he is a very good friend of mine in my group. Each of us respects each other and trusts one another. I tell him my secrets and issues and he would be there to give me support. One time, he helped me repair a relationship with another person because I told him what I was feeling. I owe him one. I was happy that I gave him a second chance. If I didn’t give him a second chance, he wouldn’t have been in my group. He wouldn’t have been my friend and he wouldn’t have helped me repair a relationship. I’m glad that I met him and have him as a good, trustworthy, and reliable friend.

Chapter 20- The Taste of Defeat

             Ever felt something so close to your grasp, but you can’t reach it? I have, many times. One of them is for a girl I liked which I will describe later on in the chapters. A brief background about this girl was that she was the one who inspired me to continue writing my stories. The one who gave me care and attention followed by kindness and understanding.

            One day during our gaming group, I decided to ask the question to her. Whether she likes me or not. Over the days as I wrote my stories, she supported me every step of the way. I started to grow feelings for her as I saw something so beautiful in her. Even though we are on the opposite side of the world, I would like to know if I could potentially role play date her in our online gaming.

            The time came and I asked her the question. Very straightforward and very honest. This was my first time asking a girl that I liked. I believe it should be a straight and clear question in order to get a truthful answer. She said she liked me as a friend without doubt, but a relationship was something she wouldn’t like. She replied a no and I respected her decision. Still unsure of the current relationship we had as friends, I wanted to know if we would still be friends after that conversation. She replied yes and I was very grateful that our friendship was still intact. She means a lot to me because she’s one of those people who comes into your life and leaves a footprint in your heart. I never really knew her real name, just the gaming name. A name is a name and I will never forget this special girl. That is a promise I have made.

            After the chat was over, I was getting very emotional. I cried silently as I reflected on the conversation that I had. As you can assume, I had my body armor off when I had the conversation. So any shots that I take will hurt a lot. I wonder if I should put my armor back on, but then I decided to leave it off. I want to be the real me. After some tears, I looked at the positive. I still have her as a friend. I can still talk to her and see her daily on the gaming chat. For that, I am grateful. I closed my eyes and went to sleep feeling that there was still goodness in the world. That there was still hope after I’ve been turned down.

Chapter 15- Drawing the Line

             There are boundaries to each person. You never know what the boundaries are until you push it too far. Many people have a short tolerance, others are longer. One must respect each other’s limits or else either parties would become distant. You push them too hard and they won’t walk back.

            I know this from my own experience during post-secondary. The time I had my crisis and I relied too much for her help. Eventually she wasn’t able to support me and suggested me for seeking help. I went over her personal time boundaries which resulted in the separation of help. I too have had my personal time boundaries stepped on. There was a guy from my gaming group who had issues with real life. At first, I was really supportive and caring. I gave my support and advice to deal with the issues. Occasionally he would have a tantrum on our gaming chat just to seek attention. After five months, his issues were not resolved and his hunt for attention never stopped. Some members didn’t care anymore, others figured he was just wasting time, and I became less aware of him because it had taken a toll on me. I understand how he feels and what he’s going through, but I have issues too. How can I help others if I can’t even help myself?

            As frustrating as it seems, there was a little part of me that wanted to help him when others had given up.  I had to level with him, tell him my stories in hope that he would get something positive out of it. It’s difficult to hear and see the big picture when every single time he has his body armor on. In times of a crisis, we put on armor assuming it would solve the problems. Truth be told, I find it easier to solve your issues with your armor off as you are more open to others.

            There are other boundaries set within ourselves that others do not know. When someone is close to stepping your boundaries, draw the line and tell them your limit. Don’t let them push you over and make you do something that’s harmful to the relationship. Be assertive of your limits. If they don’t respect it, back away from them. Ask yourself a question. Why are you putting yourself open to someone who does not respect you? It’s not worth it if they treat you as a tool instead of a friend. Think about it.

Chapter 6- Looking Beyond Imperfections

             You may have heard about not judging a book by its cover or that there’s more than meets the eye. In fact, it is very true although there may be first impressions. When judging a person, one must be able to look past the differences and see the person who they are inside.

            As you may have noticed thus far with my anonymity, I have not told you my name, color, race, if I had disabilities, or my religion. Why? Stereotypes in our world play a role in first impressions whether you’d like me or not. What can my name generally tell you? Perhaps my ethnicity and my religion. What if I told you my color? Perhaps some opinions whether or not you like me can be formed as a result of my color. What if I had a mental or physical disability? Do I get less respect because of that? We are all humans, the same inside, but different appearances. What about my beliefs in a greater being or none at all? Would you dislike me if I believed in some other god? The point I’m trying to make is that you probably started putting the puzzles together to see who I am because of commons stereotypes and societal values. Everyone should look beyond the imperfections that are formed and truly look at the person inside.

            There are many unique and interesting characteristics in all of us. Once you look past the cover and start to read the person, you’ll see the imperfections perfect. That’s the magical connection you can start building good and healthy relationships.

            If people in the world didn’t judge based on what you hear or see, but take the time to know somebody, everyone would have a great life. It sounds like another one of my utopias that isn’t going to become true. I could only dream so much and do so little.

            So why am I writing about this topic? Remember the girl from post-secondary? I did not have any connections or feelings for her. Slowly over time as I got to know her better with her caring personality, I start to grew fond of her and had feelings as well. I was seeing something so beautiful within; which has changed my views after that moment in time. I grew more understanding and patient for others. A simple analogy would be opening up an oyster. Hard to crack the shell, but soft on the inside. Whether you find and see the pearl is strictly up to you.

            Some days when I go on Facebook, I still glance at the girl from post-secondary. I miss the good old days when we chatted at school and each day she became prettier than before as I got to know her more. I feel like I am so attached and attracted to her. Sad thing is I don’t feel she has had the connection I got from her. I just can’t let go of her. Perhaps I should, perhaps I shouldn’t. But if you are on the pursuit of happiness, what can you do? Chase her? Find another similar girl? Or both? That will be something that I will need to decide for a while.

Chapter 5- It is My Responsibility

             We all have our own standards, own ethics, and own values. So, what are my standards? I am a true believer in doing what you say you are going to do. Especially when I take on a leadership role, I have a sense of responsibility. When I say I will do something, I will do it. I’m not a person who gives false promises. Either I will tell you I will do it or I will tell you that I can’t do it. I get upset and angry if somebody can’t keep their word. If I say I will do something, no matter how hard the situation is or how busy in life I am, I will do it. I will make arrangements to ensure I have kept my word. Some people find me reliable and others find me too free with my life. I believe the human interaction is important in making good and trustworthy relationships. However, that’s not the case. I have the standards and I abide by it. I’d expect the same as well from the others, but most of the time there are excuses. Either you do it or you don’t. There’s no need for excuses. That’s my policy.

            Flashback to my high school when I was ran my school club. Every day was a fun day with lots of activities and excitement. After I graduated, I passed on the leadership to my friend. His first year with my guidance, he was able to complete most of the planned activities. I can’t tell if it was his school work and life, he became less and less involved. The club became more and more quiet. The second year for his leadership of the club, I did not give any guidance. Furthermore, it was becoming dormant and almost dead. Occasionally, I would still pop back to give support and guidance. One day I pointed out his slacking and he became angry at me. His excuse? Lots of school exams, other clubs, extracurricular activities, girlfriend, etc. On and on with the excuses. He said that I had too much time on my hands. Perhaps he was right. Because obviously being a full time student at post-secondary and having a part time job would be any way easier than his life. Wrong. Since I founded the club, it was my responsibility to oversee its legacy. Hence, I had to manage my time for my duty.

How good of a person are you when they put their trust in you and you give them excuses? Pretty much you would be considered useless. Once again, this is my thoughts about this topic although some may disagree completely. One thing I can say with confidence is when you put your trust and rely on them and they end up not doing it or make up excuses, it truly is a disappointment. Perhaps it’s just me, but I have had a lot of disappointing moments in my life. If you had a legitimate excuse, that’s fine. But when it becomes an occurrence and you either postpone or not do the task thereafter, it’s just like the story of the boy who cried wolf. Trust takes years to build and a minute to lose it.

            There are days I wonder why I get all the disappointments in life from people when all I have was made them happy by being reliable. Where is my share? You’d expect what you give is what you get. Isn’t it that the way it should be? I guess I’ll never know…