Chapter 5- It is My Responsibility

             We all have our own standards, own ethics, and own values. So, what are my standards? I am a true believer in doing what you say you are going to do. Especially when I take on a leadership role, I have a sense of responsibility. When I say I will do something, I will do it. I’m not a person who gives false promises. Either I will tell you I will do it or I will tell you that I can’t do it. I get upset and angry if somebody can’t keep their word. If I say I will do something, no matter how hard the situation is or how busy in life I am, I will do it. I will make arrangements to ensure I have kept my word. Some people find me reliable and others find me too free with my life. I believe the human interaction is important in making good and trustworthy relationships. However, that’s not the case. I have the standards and I abide by it. I’d expect the same as well from the others, but most of the time there are excuses. Either you do it or you don’t. There’s no need for excuses. That’s my policy.

            Flashback to my high school when I was ran my school club. Every day was a fun day with lots of activities and excitement. After I graduated, I passed on the leadership to my friend. His first year with my guidance, he was able to complete most of the planned activities. I can’t tell if it was his school work and life, he became less and less involved. The club became more and more quiet. The second year for his leadership of the club, I did not give any guidance. Furthermore, it was becoming dormant and almost dead. Occasionally, I would still pop back to give support and guidance. One day I pointed out his slacking and he became angry at me. His excuse? Lots of school exams, other clubs, extracurricular activities, girlfriend, etc. On and on with the excuses. He said that I had too much time on my hands. Perhaps he was right. Because obviously being a full time student at post-secondary and having a part time job would be any way easier than his life. Wrong. Since I founded the club, it was my responsibility to oversee its legacy. Hence, I had to manage my time for my duty.

How good of a person are you when they put their trust in you and you give them excuses? Pretty much you would be considered useless. Once again, this is my thoughts about this topic although some may disagree completely. One thing I can say with confidence is when you put your trust and rely on them and they end up not doing it or make up excuses, it truly is a disappointment. Perhaps it’s just me, but I have had a lot of disappointing moments in my life. If you had a legitimate excuse, that’s fine. But when it becomes an occurrence and you either postpone or not do the task thereafter, it’s just like the story of the boy who cried wolf. Trust takes years to build and a minute to lose it.

            There are days I wonder why I get all the disappointments in life from people when all I have was made them happy by being reliable. Where is my share? You’d expect what you give is what you get. Isn’t it that the way it should be? I guess I’ll never know…

Chapter 4- Gateway to Atlantis

            Utopia, our dreamland and our getaway from reality. What is it? Each and every one of us has an idealistic world. We all know real life is not that simple and carefree. Our minds want to go to a place that is. No matter how hard one tries, you can’t make the world perfect. Period.

            Many people find ways to create their own utopia. I have two ways of creating my utopia. One, I currently run a gaming clan. The other, I write stories. What does both of those have in common? They give me a sense of control for my life. You can call it a false hope. From the gaming utopia, I want to feel respected and cared about. It works. From the story writing, I want a sense of control in my life, my destiny, my fate, and my luck. It works. Still, once in a while reality pops by and slams you back to awake and alert status.

            If I could take the life currently written in my stories, I would. No second thought about it. With the current situation and my life I have, it is the better alternative. Perhaps when my life is better than the alternative, I would have achieved happiness and satisfaction for my life.

            Sometimes when I feel alone, I dream of a better place. A place where there are no troubles. A place where I find the One and spend so much precious time together. I find most love songs very touching for me. If I was a song writer and a good singer, I would dedicate a love song for the One. Or if it needs be and it means a lot to me, I would sing a popular love song no matter how bad of a singer I was. That’s my dream. Carefree and no judgment. Simple.

            I’m beginning to think that writing this memoir is another utopia for me because of the anonymity. The idea of spilling everything in my head with no repercussion makes me have a sense of freedom and control. Still, there will be a reality check and someone or something will bring over a cloud of negativity and rain it down on me.

            I find myself as an optimist. I used to always reassure myself with the problems and issues I had with my life. Day after day, those reality checks really do wear you down. It feels like your body armor could no longer take any more beatings and you start to lose your optimism. Maybe I used my share of good luck? Now it’s the time for the bad luck… When there’s a push, there will be a pull. Action reaction. Cause and effect ideology.

            They say the grass is greener on the other side. It’s true. I look at where I am and then imagine where I want to be. Indeed, the grass is greener. Sometimes I feel like there is a high barbed wire fence blocking me from entering the greener side. Sometimes you could smell it, taste it, and see it. Sad thing is, you can’t touch it and feel what it is like. Only my imagination can fill in the missing parts even though it is not fully accurate. People say you should face your problems and go through it. If not, around it. I find it impossible to go through the fence or around it as it seems endless in both directions. What can I do? I sit down dreaming what I could see myself doing on the other side and then look at where I am. Depressed and powerless.

Chapter 3- Secrets

             Ever wonder if secrets should be shared with people? I have. Question is how much do you want to share? Sharing it requires an act of balancing. Is it personal? Would sharing make you feel better than before? I personally think that if you share some personal issues that trouble you, it would be a wise decision even though lots of courage is needed.

            Here I am, sharing some of my deepest personal secrets for strangers to see. I think it’s easier for me to share secrets with complete strangers because you don’t have to face them in your life. From this memoir, I think sharing it to the world would somewhat make me feel better. Rather than digesting in everything and making me upset or angry.

            Sharing secrets is a two-way street. Both sides need to feel comfortable and secure sharing their secrets. I’ll give an example with the girl in post-secondary. When she was helping me with my crisis, she shared some of her family life and relationships that she had. From that, I was able to relate some points and feel better. Because she shared her secrets, I was able to share some secrets about my life as well.

            Sometimes sharing secrets is the only way to resolve your issues. Why leave it all to yourself? Let someone help you with your problems. If you don’t share it, people can’t help you even if they try. I think the time when I went to counseling; it was the unknown I had to face. I don’t even know why I was there or how they could help me. Nonetheless, I just said what’s on my mind. The one hour session was all I had. Pity it was short. Totally could have had more time. Felt like counselors should give more of a listening ear. So, to share your secrets and have someone who has the time and supports you makes me very happy.

            Gender differences also play a role in sharing secrets. If I showed this memoir to a guy, he’d probably tell me to man up. But if I showed it to a girl, they are more supportive and able to give some good feedback and positive support. Hence, I think girls are fascinating creatures.

            There is a secret that I’m not sure if I want to share, but I’d like to give it a try. Ever felt so alone you’d cried yourself to sleep? I have. Let me tell you this, it’s not just a one time occurrence. If you never cried yourself to sleep, you are very fortunate and have a good life. Maybe I’m too emotional. In society, it’s alright for girls to cry and get emotional, but not alright for the guys. A guy’s tough and strong figure makes them hardened. Question for all. Is that the way it should be? Can guys cry too? I think the more hardened you become, the less awareness you have for the others. What do you think?

            There are some secrets that I still regret sharing. That grade eleven year when a friend offered to help me get together with the girl I like, but went out with her instead. This time, I will go into a bit more detail. I never told anyone that I liked her since grade seven until grade eleven. He said that he could help me out with her. I trusted him. Spilled my secret. Got backstabbed. Sometimes I wonder if he became hardened, unaware of the feelings of others.  Perhaps, secrets can’t be shared with guys. Maybe I just haven’t found the right group of guys that could be trusted. Bad luck once again? Perhaps…

            So what have I learned so far for secrets? Some secrets are worth sharing, but some secrets need a bit more evaluation before you share it with others. Sharing it to others who are strangers to you are okay for me since I get the anonymity. Then again, this is my own perception and my thoughts, so I’m not generalizing. I am sure some of you would completely disagree with me. It’s fine, I’m not here to judge.

Chapter 2- Facinating Creatures

 Girls, what can I say about them? Let’s make it into females in general. Over the months after my nineteenth birthday, I’ve come to the realization of understanding of how females play a role in the male’s life. I don’t want to be stereotypical, so I am just going to speak from my own opinion and perception. From my point of view, I’ll just be saying girls because it’s easier for me to say than female due to my age.

            From my own experience, I find that girls are the most interesting and fascinating living things on this planet. How a girl can complete and give a guy his desires is truly profound. Personally for me, my desires are to be cared and to feel like I matter in this world. Other people have other desires wanted from girls, but I am not one of them. I respect girls and appreciate their nurturing personality. A girl can make the fiercest of lions turn into a friendly sheep. Why is that? I believe it is our nature to need someone there to give us a second opinion, a second look, and a gentler way for the guys.

            From my story, I can tell how much I cherish hanging around people who care about me and who I care back. You see, between a guy and a girl, there is no competition. Rather, it’s simply the collaboration, unity, and understanding of each other. Take a minute to think about that. If everyone was like that, our lives would be harmonious and carefree. Reality? It is not that simple as it seems.

            So, what do I want in a girl? It’s quite simple. Someone who understands me, respects the way I am, and shows that they care about me. The girl from my post-secondary that helped me asked what I looked for in a girl. At first, it sounded like a hard thing to ask for, but when I told her my response. Isn’t that what everyone wants? That moment, the puzzles started to fit together. Everyone had the same standards. If so, why am I still single? Hence, I go and reflect at myself and start to tear up.

            Flashback to a day at work at my new job. There was a female coworker roughly in her mid thirties. We talked about girls and families. Eventually I asked if she had a family. She said if she doesn’t have a baby in four or five years, she won’t consider a kid as she would be too old. I asked her if she met the One and she talked about a time when she was in her twenties where she had an interest in a guy at work. Eventually she found out that the guy was in a relationship and all bets were off. I felt sad for her, but also worried for myself as well. Am I going to be like her as well? Am I going to be alone? With the streak of bad luck, is it even possible for me?

            Continuing on, I believe it would be beneficial if you had a sibling of the opposite gender. Same ideology applies as well. I only have a little brother who is a few years older than me. Because of his gender, he is not as caring and supportive as I would want from a sibling. He just simply does not care about me. Why I am saying that is because I had and experience once. Back when I just got over my crisis, I went back to visit my relatives. A cousin of mine, female, was currently in a relationship. One day we watched a movie with my cousins about a true love story in pursuing the girl of your dreams. From what I saw in the movie, the guy did not get the girl and had his regrets. After thinking about it, I became very emotional. Not sure to pretend to be strong and hide from reality. Should I talk about it? Who should I talk to?

            One night while I was sleeping over at my cousin’s house, I rested on the bed thinking if I should ask my cousin and talk about my issues. It took some courage, but the result was astonishing. We talked about the movie, how she met her boyfriend, and retold my crisis that occurred to me with the girl. We chatted for an hour and she listened. Then she gave me some advice and told me not to worry. This was the first time I had a supportive and caring relative. Someone who I could trust. Someone who I can rely.

            It is in my interpretation that girls are generally more supportive and caring. Although I did not receive a lot of love from my parents, I had built the craving for it. Because of the need, one who can provide the needs for me can win my loyalty and my love indefinitely just like the girl from post-secondary. However, she is in a relationship and it does not seem feasible. Sometimes I look up at the stars and wonder. Am I the only person feeling like this? Or am I in the wrong place at the wrong time? I try to not lose hope…

Chapter 1- And so it Begins

Some days I think of giving up in finding the One. Other days, I choose to not think about it at all. I guess I’m too scared to face the problem. Truth be told, I never had a girlfriend or had the need for one. I was eighteen and nearing nineteen when it all changed for me.

Back when I was in elementary school, there were some girls, but I wasn’t really interested back then. The teasing you’d also get in elementary made it harder for me as well. You see, I wasn’t the popular kid in elementary or secondary school. I was shy around people. Introverted, others would call it. That grade twelve year back in 2010, I decided to look at myself and change my personality and attitude. I started to do more activities that allowed me to interact with others. Started a school club, joined yearbook, and did lots of community service.

            Went to post -secondary, continued with the new me, I was progressing better and becoming less socially awkward and had increased interpersonal skills. On the last term, I encountered a crisis in my life from a practice emergency tabletop exercise. I thought everything went downhill for me at that point, but there was a girl in my class who showed that she cared for me. She paid extra time with me to help me through my crisis. Personal time which I spent too much and relied upon. At the time, I was hopeless, but she showed me that she cared and which is what touched me so deeply. This new feeling made me feel warm and fuzzy and brought me more dependent on her. Eventually, I took too much of her time and she started to push me away and ask others to help my crisis. I was upset, confused, and not to mention scared. Who shall I share my own issues with now? Who would care?

            One classmate suggested I talk to my instructor. It helped a bit, but it was not as strong of a connection I’ve made with the girl. Another classmate took me to counseling services. Talked for a while and got referred a book to help me cope. The book was helpful and all, but I could still not break the feeling I got for this girl. At this point, you’d probably wonder why I haven’t asked her out because she seems like a nice girl. Reason? She already has a boyfriend and they have a good connection already. This girl has helped me through a monumental moment in my life when I turned nineteen and helped me through my crisis. My loyalty and care are with her as I feel indebted to her. Because of my own ethics, I have chosen the step not to ask her out because she’s in a relationship. If she’s happy, then I’m happy for her. I ask myself if I should keep searching for the One or wait for her. I decided to do both, keep on searching and wait at the same time. Like I said, I am 100% loyal towards her, but I can’t keep myself waiting because I crave the feeling.

            After graduation, I decided to look for a job related to my field of study. I know both me and her were on the lookout for jobs. I got a job and then I decided to refer her into my organization. Helped her send in a cover letter and resume as well as some paperwork on my end. I knew she was still searching for a job, but I felt compelled to help her back. She was so close to getting the job; HR already contacted her for an interview, but it was conflicting with another job offer she got. A job which was closer to her home, good pay, and steady hours. She chose the other job and gave her appreciation for my efforts. I’m not usually a believer in fate, but at that pointing time, I was starting to feel like there was something stopping me and her from getting together. If it doesn’t work out, I still hope we can be good friends. I am pretty happy and fully of confidence when I contact her once in a while on Facebook, but I start to think the opportunities diminish over time.

            Continuing on with my life, wondering if I can ever meet another person like her. When I got my new job, I met some girls whom I did training together. Because I still had my great interpersonal skills, I was able to become friends with all of them. One girl stood out the most to me. Same age, same birthplace, and same birth month, I could relate most things with easily. Here’s the stunner again, she has a boyfriend. Why is it every time when I see someone interesting, they are already taken? Fate? Destiny? Nonetheless, I try to continue our friendship. One day she asked me a surprising unpredictable question. Was I gay? What the heck did I do to get that statement? To my surprise other female coworkers where thinking about that as well. Reason for question? I was neat, organized, and loved to chat. So apparently these characteristics made them think I was gay. So I spoke very straightforward that I was not gay. The girl and another girl who seemed nice that also had a boyfriend as well blurted out that I should get a girlfriend. If only if it was that easy…

            The following week, I started to get more and more hopeless. My old friends in high school, both grade elevens, have a girlfriend. I don’t even have one during high school. Flashback to my grade eleven year. There was this girl that I liked very much since grade seven, but I was shy. This was before I had my personality change. A friend of mine offered to help me and her get together. I was unsure, but gave it a try. Not sure if it was bad luck, fate, or a bad friend; the guy went out with her after a few months. To this day, I can only look at how foolish I was and got over it. This girl was not as caring as the other girl who helped me through my crisis. Moving on to the present, one guy who games with me grade nine also got a girlfriend recently. Although we’ve never met, but it seems that I seem to notice it more and more now. A few weeks later after chatting with him, a girl from our gaming group openly said that she had a boyfriend. Same grade, but located on the opposite site of the planet; I’m starting to question myself. Am I going to be single forever? There are a lot of girls out there, but why is it me with the streak of bad luck? Why me?