Chapter 35- The Crystal Ball

             I wonder about my future most of the time. Is it going to be better or worse the next day? Sometimes I wonder if I want to know my future, but I worry that I may not like it. Perhaps once I know the future, it will change because I have seen it.

            An example of how a future can change once I look into is if I get a fortune teller or psychic to tell my future. If I asked about my current career and how far I’d go and they said that my current job is only temporary, I would act a certain way. Because I was given a future, now I may begin looking for other jobs and lose interest and faith in my current job. If they said that I will stay in this job, I will think that I will have this job as a permanent position and perhaps be more focused at work. Basically, knowing the future will change a person’s attitude and the way they do things.

            Sometimes I want to know the future, but I think it ruins all the surprises you would have each day. Would it be better if I planned for a future instead of seeing the future? I think that’s another alternative. I can plan for what I want to have and what to occur, but not knowing if it works or not. That way, the future can’t change because I haven’t seen the future, but rather planned a route to a final destination. Instead of seeing if I will obtain happiness in my life, I would do the things that make me happy in order to achieve happiness whether or not I reach my goal in the future or not.

            The future, always changing and unpredictable. I guess that’s one of the mysteries in life. Perhaps the constant change is a good thing. Perhaps it’s a way of setting out someone’s fate and destiny. Or maybe the change is there just to screw you up so that you can learn from your own mistakes. I guess I will really never know…

Chapter 34- Splitting the Tree

             Although, I do not come from a life of divorced parents, I find that people who have been through a divorce, husband, wife, son, or daughter have been through a lot. Some may benefit from this experience while most of the time I’ve witnessed result in some damage to the person.

            Divorces were not common back when I was still young. Nowadays, it seems like a divorce is perfectly fine. It’s interesting how society can change in just a few years. I’m sure that part of the marriage vows was indicating staying together for the better or the worse. Now, it’s all about oneself and not caring about the others. It is usually the kids that are affected the most from divorces. However, adults can be affected as well and I know this from meeting some people in my life.

            Remember my boss at work? I learned from my coworkers that he was married before and then got divorced. I don’t know what the reason was, but all I knew was that he rarely gets to see his son after the divorce. Perhaps that’s why he was picking on me. Maybe he’s going through some tough times and nobody was there for him. I can imagine how hard it must be to love someone so dearly, have a son, and later be divorced and now you can’t see your son. It’s pretty upsetting and depressing because when you found the One and marry her, she doesn’t love you anymore after a couple years.

            In a marriage to work, the essential keys are communications and trust. No matter how hard the situation can be, both must solve it together as a team. It is from the teamwork that the love still bonds. Also, one must trust the partner and never give up. If you trusted the person long enough to marry them, why let go of that trust when one slight change occurs? Clear communications are essential for common understanding of each other in order to maintain mutual trust and respect for each other. It is these two key components that make the magic work. That makes the love strong and unswerving.

Chapter 33- High School Regrets

             I look to the past years with sadness as I think about the things I didn’t do. My regrets on not making the most of my time during high school. It’s the time before I changed my personality in grade twelve that I regret making zero monumental and memorable moments. There’s probably a big list of things I would do if I could relive it again.

            One thing I would do would be to study harder and try to excel in all my subjects. When I look at my past graduation and my brother’s graduation, I question if only I knew about the awards and scholarships. I probably could have achieved it and went to a better post-secondary. I would also participate in more extracurricular activities to be more involved within my school and my community. It’s a shame I wasted my high school years not getting good marks to be accepted into well known universities. Right now I understand that education is important, but my high school grades can’t grant me the acceptance to a certain program. Like I said before, school should not accept people based on smartness, but rather the passion to learn.

            Another thing I would do would be to ask the girl that I liked since elementary school. Till now, I never knew if she liked me or not. Perhaps at that time, I should have been more social so that I could get to know people more and make long lasting friendships or relationships with people. I probably would have met someone if I was like that instead of being single and alone.

            Looking back, I think these were the biggest regrets in my life. I should have worked and studied in school like no tomorrow, participated in many extracurricular activities, and be more social and open myself to others. Just thinking about the potential possibilities and opportunities I missed makes me depressed and think how big of a failure I am.

            So what can I do now? I can’t turn back time nor stop it to redo what I regret not doing. I can only look forward to the unpredictable future and live life to the fullest each day. Do the things I enjoy and make me happy and hope that the positive in the present and the future can overwrite the regrettable past. No matter how hard I try to hide my past, it will still be there. So, I urge you to make the most of your life and do the things that matter most to you so you won’t live with regrets like I did.

Chapter 32- The Parrot

             I have a friend of mine who is very bad at keeping things to himself. If someone told him something, he would easily tell another person without question. Not sure if it’s a bad thing, but he seems like the town crier when you want news to spread. As a result, there is a certain amount of trust I can place in him when I tell him more personal things. For him, I think he believes that everyone deserves the right to know. For me, I think you should keep a secret, a secret.

            There are things I tell him that makes me second guess myself. Should I have told him? Is he going to tell someone else? Knowing him at least two years, I know he tells me other people’s secrets or perhaps he has a different definition of secrecy. I told him about my memoirs and he said that he wanted to fix the problem with the friend I had issues with. He wanted to show the memoirs to him, but I insisted that he didn’t. Till now, I constantly ask him if he has shown it or not. He would reply no and I would feel reassured. I will never know if he told him, but that’s a chance that I took when I told him about my memoirs.

            This friend of mine is a nice guy as he would take initiative to help others by spilling out everything to most people. If I wanted something to be broadcasted, he would be the excellent person to go to, no doubt about it. If it’s more of a personal secret, I would take a second look and evaluate before sharing it with him. This is just for my own protection in case my own secrets are shared with the people that I have to work with in the future.

            Although I write this with good intentions, I hope he will understand in the future why I am doubtful when it comes to sharing secrets with him. He is definitely a good friend to have.

Chapter 31- Closet or Not

             There were some days at work where I get joked about being gay. In fact, I’m not gay. I’m just being myself and friendly as possible to everyone. Some people understand that I don’t like being called gay and will respect that by not calling me that. Others just joke around which I am getting tired of.

            I asked one girl at work why people think I’m gay. She said that I was nice and friendly and that usually gay people are like that. She pointed at another guy beside me and said that he is just so tough looking and quiet. So basically, guys like me are hard to find hence I easily fall into the gay category. Another female coworker commented that I was boyish hence I did not fall into the category of a man. Perhaps I’m still young or perhaps it’s the way I am. People need to respect who each person is regardless of orientation or age.

            While in my gaming group, all of us respect each other. Treat each other like family and help each other out. Perhaps it was because I was the leader that I cultivated a good friendly community. No one should be treated differently because of one or two differences. It is our human rights to have equality amongst all.

            The reason why I don’t like to be called gay is not because I don’t like gays, but I want to be known as straight so that I can pursue my happiness and find the One. That’s the main reason why I don’t want to be called gay. If I’m placed into the gay category, I will never find the One because I’ve simple been placed into the friend list and nothing more.

            Closet or not, I believe that the term be scrapped. It places people in categories. So what if someone is gay? There’s no need to make the closet comment. I am straight, how come I don’t get the closet comment? It’s not fair to make jokes about gay people or to make gay jokes to straight people. We all need to be a little more open, understanding, and respectful of each other. That is how good human interaction should work in this society.

Chapter 30- Loneliness

             At some point in our lives, we were all lonely. It is our human nature to interact with others. There are days when I felt so alone and left out in this world. Days I question if I’ll find the One or not. I’m tired of being a lone wolf; I want a pack to join.

            One day at work, one coworker brought up the topic about loneliness. She stated that everyone feels alone some time even if you are married. At first, I disagreed on her point, but then I realized it was true after I asked another coworker of mine who was married. When she was asked the question about feeling alone, she did not answer and had a face that looked sad. She didn’t say anything, but I felt her message from her body language. After that day, I’ve began to question myself about the loneliness. Am I still going to be a lone wolf or should I find myself a pack to join?

            So far, I haven’t really heard people admit they are lonely. Perhaps it’s the body armor making them look strong. I can admit, I feel lonely. Life definitely looks better and fun when you do things together with people. People can have fun together with people. People can have fun together and go through obstacles together. If there is a problem, you won’t face it alone, but together as a team and solve the problem. No matter how bad a situation is, you’ll know that it is not just you who is facing it.

            I think I’ve been on the lonely path for quite some time. It’s time for me to get off that path and find a new one which is the path to happiness. In the pursuit to happiness, not being alone is a factor in my goal. There are lots of tiny factors that build towards my final destination of happiness. Even though one can never get rid of the loneliness, I still believe that being less alone on this planet would be a better day than before. At least I’m being less alone and alone bit by bit. Like a flower sitting alone in a field of grass, I wait for another flower to appear. Even though I have waited for years for a flower to grow within the field, I still carry on some hope to continue my journey to happiness.

Chapter 29- The Golden Crown

             I’m sure that at one point we’ve taken on a position of power or leadership. With reality always acting so strange and unpredictable, we want some sense of control. There will always be some who are power hungry and refuse to step down or perhaps there are people who have the power, but do nothing. Power is earned by trust and respect and not by showing who has the strength or the brains. When one is in a position of power, there are followers underneath them. The people beneath them are not slaves and they are no different than you. We are all the same; we are humans.

            A powerful leader is respected and trusted within the community. When I run my gaming group, I make sure everyone is equal. I treat them like a family; provide help and services when need. A lot of my members said that I was a great leader and that my group was a great group to join. Others said I didn’t need to change my leadership styles because it works. Hearing that from my members gave me a boost of morale and enthusiasm as I try to make it an even better gaming group.

            A leader must know that with power, there is responsibility. Power is earned and not given. Abuse of power may result in consequences that may leave a bad imprint in people. In my gaming group, a chain of command is established not because I want to obtain more power, but actually give power to people to assist me with my responsibilities. It may be also known as the delegation of tasks since there are certain tasks doable without requiring my presence.

            I personally believe that one should not have a dictatorship role. The spreading of power is the diplomatic way where everyone benefits. I would like to known as a good leader. Someone that can be trusted and relied upon. In return, I would do the same and uphold my golden crown and be a good king. A king who treats all equal and wears no signs of royalty to differentiate from others.

Chapter 28- A Hidden Talent

 All of us have some sort of talent that we don’t know about. The hard part is identifying what exactly it is. Till now, I still don’t really know what hidden talent is. Although it may be my interpersonal skills, but I feel everyone has that skill and it makes the talent too general. I believe our hidden talent defines us and makes each and every one of us unique.

            Even though I can’t identify my talent, I can see talent in others. Perhaps others can identify my talent. For example, I had a classmate who knew everything about planes. Ask him what type it is or what airline it belongs to, he would tell you. Another person was from my gaming group; he would be the first person to complete assignments and was considered to be top of the class. So, one person who knows about airplanes and the other who is a straight shooter and gets the job done.

            Each and every body has a talent. Some talents may have a positive impact and others may have a negative impact. For example, if a person has a talent in debating, he or she would be considered positive if he or she is on your side. What if they aren’t? They’ll probably be stubborn and confident on their side that they forgot to take a step back and see each other’s views. Another example would be someone who is a professional gamer. They excel in the gaming world, but what happens in the real world? In reality, things are a lot different so it may impact them negatively. Whatever talent we may have, there are always two sides to it. Because of a strength, there will be a weakness. In a positive, there will be a negative to balance it.

            Till now, I am searching what I’m good at. What’s my purpose here in this world and I can contribute to society. Perhaps one day I will find out or perhaps I will never find out. No matter what happens, I will put it with my goals in life to search and find my hidden talent. Perhaps it is a journey with no ending.

Chapter 27- The Captain's Logbook

             We all have a list of the good and bad things of what people do to us. No matter how hard you try to erase it, it will leave an imprint. An example is a clean sheet of paper, when you start writing on it, there are words imprinted on it. If you try to erase it with an eraser, there will always be smudges or dents on the paper. It will never be the same clean sheet of paper you had originally. The point is, no matter how big or how small an impact a person makes in your life, the imprint lasts forever.

            Here’s the question for you to think about. Do you want a sheet full of good imprints or a sheet of bad imprints? In my opinion, I would say all of us want to have good imprints. In order to get more positive things down into our books, you have to be around the positive and supportive people around you. Don’t stand under the cloud of negativity, stand where the sun shines and the skies are clear. To maintain around the positive people, you also need to be positive and supportive. Same ideology applies, why would a positive person hang out with a negative person? If you are in the same boat, its means everyone is headed down the same path and goal.

            For example, people who always disappoint me in my life rarely have my respect and trust. If they always let me down, why should I be near or be associated with them? Once in a while if someone left a bad imprint, I tend to give them a second chance depending on the circumstances. I am considered to be more forgiving than others. However, if you take advantage of it, you’ll lose my respect and kindness towards you.

What the message in this chapter is telling you is to be nice and positive to the people around you. Similar values and characteristics attract certain people. Like attracts like. It’s like a mirror if you think about it. Whatever you do, make sure you leave a positive imprint in someone’s life and not a negative one. If that’s achieved, the world would be a better place than before and everyone will have a sheet of paper without dark black smudges on it.

Chapter 26- Taking the First Step

            Being the first is always the hardest. No matter how prepared you are for something, you’ll never succeed on the first attempt. But if you never take the first step, you’ll never advance and know what could happen. Most opportunities don’t come towards you if you don’t take the first step. Some examples are jobs, asking out a girl, or simply asking out for help.

            What are the chances that you sit at home waiting for someone to offer you a job? Almost unlikely. The first step one would need to do is to submit resumes and cover letters to many organizations in order to get a call. Most of the time, you don’t get a call, but you learn how to better sell yourself and to improve your resume. From that first step, you’ll know what you need to do to further yourself.

            What are the chances that the girl you like also likes you if you don’t ask her out? Once again, very rare because you don’t know. From my experience, I couldn’t lie to myself if the girl from my gaming group likes me, so I had to take the first step and ask her. It was hard because there can only be two responses. A yes or a no. After that step, I know what I did wrong and right in order to better prepare myself the next time. Since that was my first time asking out a girl, I have better experience when it comes to this matter again because I’ve taken my first step.

            If you are in trouble and need someone to help, does help come to you when you don’t call for it? Realistically, no. When I had my crisis back in post-secondary, I took my first step in sharing it out with that girl. I also took my first step when I went to see a counselor for help. Although I was unsure and scared, I took my first step to seek help. I’m glad I did it.

            New opportunities arise when you take a first step into the unknown territory. No matter what result it is, positive or negative, you will have gained a new experience.

Chapter 25- The Clock

             Time, our enemy and our ally, can we control it? People say time flies when you are having fun, which is very true. Time seems to be longer when you are in stress and pain. From my experience, I never have enough time to do the things I want and spend on the things I care about. We all get twenty hour hours in a day to do our things. How much you do in that twenty four hours is determined by your sense of responsibilities, motivation, and determination.

            You can’t control time by extending it, slowing it, freezing it, or speeding it. You can only manage your time so you can do things more efficiently. How do you manage? One must have a list of things that need to be done per day. Then you need to prioritize which ones are most important to you first, followed by the next one on your list and so on. Your goal is to complete all the tasks set out per day in order to manage time efficiently. If you missed out one task, do not procrastinate it or keep it the same priority the next day. You have to make the incomplete task a higher priority the next day in order to complete it or else too much tasks are left incomplete and things start piling up. At that point, you lose controlling time efficiently and make time control what you do. If it’s tasks involving other people, don’t take forever to complete it. People will lose trust, reliability, and respect for you. Do what you say and what you are doing and do it. This rule applies strongly to people in leadership roles. A good leader gets the job done like he or she said will do. A bad leader will only talk the talk, but not walk the walk.

            For example, I had work every night and I want to chat with my friends on my gaming group. Since I’m the group leader, I also have duties associated with it. One day I decided that I want to call up my friends to hang out, but I have a member in my gaming group who had issues with another member and wants to leave because he feels unwanted. That same day, I also wanted to write another chapter for this memoir because I want to. What should I do? Don’t panic because it’s a mess, but think out each task. I’ve got work, hang out with friends, member who wants to leave due to issues, and my memoirs. Let me prioritize now after seeing each task and evaluating based on my values and responsibilities. First, I will go to my gaming group and find the member and help him out. Resolve issues with the member and convince him to stay. Second, I will take time to write my memoirs because I hold it dearly to my heart. Third, I want to hang out with my friends, but not that long as I hoped for. As long as I get to hang out, the task will count as completed. Lastly, I go to work at night. A smooth transition after all the tasks directly into work. So, what was the result of that day? I followed each task sequentially based on my priorities and completed them. Because of that, I got all the tasks needed to be done, done. I also had some extra time left over, so I did some more chatting with my gaming group. If I missed one task, it would be my first or second task the next day so that I accomplish my goals of time management each day.

            Managing time efficiently is achievable. One must have a sense of responsibility, personal values, and the determination to achieve all tasks per day. I’ve had some crazy days with new tasks arising in between, but all I did was reprioritize it and get the job done. It’s hard work, but it pays off to you and how others perceive you.

Chapter 24- A Second Chance

             I believe everyone should have a second chance. We all make mistakes in our lives and need to be forgiven. This chapter will talk about why I believe in second chances and how I gave a stranger a second chance and how we became good friends.

            People generally have good intent, but when something in real life becomes an issue affecting them, it changes who they are. They make rash decisions and become a different person. Usually, when the person has dealt with the issue, they regret some of the choices they made. People who first meet you during your hard times have already based an impression of who you are, but that’s wrong. If you let others know that you have issues to deal with, you should be given a second chance.

            In my gaming group, there was a guy who just joined my group. He would say that another member posted harassing comments on our gaming forum. Later, we asked a gaming moderator to ban the harasser. It turns out that the guy who pointed out the harasser was actually playing two accounts. He got banned for three days and other members were upset because he lied to us. Some members wanted him out of our group. Others wanted him to apologize to everyone in the group by sending out a private message. I had a chat with him, turns out he had some issues in life that was making him be like that. From my experience, I know how hard issues can take a toll on you. I told him next time to talk it out with us and be open to us. Since I was the leader, I told all the members that he was having real life issues and that he was excused. Some called for punishment for his actions, but I replied that he got his punishment already from the ban. It was not necessary to go further, this guy needed a second chance because I saw potential in him and his goodness to admit fault.

            When I look back at that day, I was very glad I made the right choice and gave him a second chance to start over. Put his past behind and looked for his real self. Now, he is a very good friend of mine in my group. Each of us respects each other and trusts one another. I tell him my secrets and issues and he would be there to give me support. One time, he helped me repair a relationship with another person because I told him what I was feeling. I owe him one. I was happy that I gave him a second chance. If I didn’t give him a second chance, he wouldn’t have been in my group. He wouldn’t have been my friend and he wouldn’t have helped me repair a relationship. I’m glad that I met him and have him as a good, trustworthy, and reliable friend.

Chapter 23- Stuck on the Spider's Web

             We’ve all been victims of something or somebody. Sometimes we just want to break free away from harm’s way, but we can never be free. Some victims take a stand, others give in, and others prey on the weaker ones to feel better. I personally don’t pick on the weaker and the small guys just because I’m a victim. Other people don’t deserve the transfer of rage or pain. These people are innocent and should not be part of the cycle, or else it will never end.

            Remember the boss at my work who was sexist? He continued to pick on me because I’m a guy. One day at work, he was picking on my procedures at work by saying that it was disorganized and incorrect. I asked him simply if he thought I had a problem so that I could know my mistakes and fix it. He immediately turned offensive on me and gave me an angry face. He said that my personality and attitude was not suitable for this group and walked out on me leaving me sitting alone by myself for thirty minutes. Once again, I still don’t know what my mistakes were. How can one fix a mistake if your boss doesn’t tell you what you are doing wrong and what he wants to see? It’s impossible. When the lead of my group that shift gave over to see how I was doing, I got upset and emotional at my counter. I cried because I couldn’t take it anymore of his attitude and I felt helpless because he was my boss.

            Can I take a stand for my dignity and unjust actions? Would there be a consequence? Usually there is really no way out. Either I take a stand and get fired or I give in and get kicked out. As I evaluated the two options, I realized a conclusion. Either way will result in termination of my job. One will leave my self respect intact and my values strong and the other one will leave me with no self respect, no confidence, and no dignity. I told myself that I would have to act soon. The more I give in, the stronger and more frequent he picks on me. It is not right and fair for him to treat me like this. I am not his loyal pet; I am a human being that deserves equal respect just like everybody else. There shall be no difference just because I’m a guy. I prepared myself for the next few days as I continued to take his shots. This time, I shall be strong as I told myself. This time, I shall take a stand for what I believe in. Equality and respect amongst each other in the workplace. For me, the battlefield is at work, but I believe it should be a universal field.

Chapter 22- Sharing is Healing

             I find that sharing these stories to some friends who I can trust and talk it out with strangers is beneficial for me. Sometimes I consume too many issues that I can’t solve it by lonesome. Perhaps I just wanted a listening ear or words of encouragement to inspire me some hope.

            The first time I shared my personal issues with others was the time at post-secondary with the girl who helped me with my crisis. After that, it was followed by sharing with a counselor. It helped a lot and it made me more open to share my issues with others. From that day on, I felt I needed to let things out. Too much tension was building up inside me. One day, I decided to write what’s on my mind into a memoir. Writing it down is good, but not talking it out to get help was useless. After I met the girl from the gaming group, I felt like she would be one of those people who would care and give support. I was right and I was thankful that I met her. This is why there are so many chapters in this memoir. Inspired by her, I continued on past chapter one and decided to tell my tales.

            I realized that in order to help myself, I have to tell others. So, I began to talk with other friends in my life and friends who are in my gaming community. To my realization, there are people out there who are supportive and caring. Even though I had some tough moments in my life, I still have some people who are there to motivate and inspire me to continue on.

            I encourage others to talk it out; you never know if they are in the same position as you. Perhaps there are tips and advice that you could share. Get new strengths to overcome my weaknesses. Find new people that feel the same and help each other out. United we become and strength in numbers. I can’t be certain, but I feel that the more you share, the less alone you are in this harsh world. Maybe I’m wrong or maybe I’m right. Maybe I was lucky enough after all to get some good supportive friends. I will never know what life puts in my way…

Chapter 21- The Wall

             We’ve all been through some sort of rejection in our lives. Either it’s going to school, getting a job, or asking out a girl, we all face something known as the wall. You can’t see through it, climb it, or go through it. It’s one of the mysteries in the universe.

            After I graduated secondary school, I applied to various post-secondary in hope to further my education. I had some well known schools reject my admission because I did not qualify. Education can’t be determined by money and your level of intelligence. Education is determined by the passion to learn. That’s what it should be, but it’s not. That’s a wall encountered.

            When I went to apply some jobs after graduating post-secondary, I sent out many resumes and cover letters to various organizations. Most of them never call back to let me know. When I do get a call for an interview, I go and then get called for a second interview. After that, I never got a call for the job. Another wall encountered as I had no clue why I did not qualify for that job.

            From the previous chapter, I told you how I got turned down. I’m not using the word rejected because the friendship did not get damaged from the process. I knew eventually I would have to face the wall some day in my life. I can’t be lying to myself and giving me false hope. Nonetheless, the universe has spoken and given me a wall.

            So far, I have not found a way past the wall. It’s an unsolved mystery or one of the obstacles that life gives me. There must be a way past the wall. Would there be more walls one after another? I don’t know, but I am determined to face the wall and not turn around. If I have to crawl under it and get my hands dirty, I will. If I have to scale the wall like I’m climbing Mount Everest, I will. If I have to keep pounding on the wall with my bare hands until it collapses, I will. It is clear to me; I will fight for the things I hold close to my heart, my passion, and my goal. My pursuit to happiness.

Chapter 20- The Taste of Defeat

             Ever felt something so close to your grasp, but you can’t reach it? I have, many times. One of them is for a girl I liked which I will describe later on in the chapters. A brief background about this girl was that she was the one who inspired me to continue writing my stories. The one who gave me care and attention followed by kindness and understanding.

            One day during our gaming group, I decided to ask the question to her. Whether she likes me or not. Over the days as I wrote my stories, she supported me every step of the way. I started to grow feelings for her as I saw something so beautiful in her. Even though we are on the opposite side of the world, I would like to know if I could potentially role play date her in our online gaming.

            The time came and I asked her the question. Very straightforward and very honest. This was my first time asking a girl that I liked. I believe it should be a straight and clear question in order to get a truthful answer. She said she liked me as a friend without doubt, but a relationship was something she wouldn’t like. She replied a no and I respected her decision. Still unsure of the current relationship we had as friends, I wanted to know if we would still be friends after that conversation. She replied yes and I was very grateful that our friendship was still intact. She means a lot to me because she’s one of those people who comes into your life and leaves a footprint in your heart. I never really knew her real name, just the gaming name. A name is a name and I will never forget this special girl. That is a promise I have made.

            After the chat was over, I was getting very emotional. I cried silently as I reflected on the conversation that I had. As you can assume, I had my body armor off when I had the conversation. So any shots that I take will hurt a lot. I wonder if I should put my armor back on, but then I decided to leave it off. I want to be the real me. After some tears, I looked at the positive. I still have her as a friend. I can still talk to her and see her daily on the gaming chat. For that, I am grateful. I closed my eyes and went to sleep feeling that there was still goodness in the world. That there was still hope after I’ve been turned down.

Chapter 19- A Friend I Once Knew

             My friend from secondary school who helped run my club was not who I knew anymore. When I met him in grade nine, he was a smart, hardworking, and caring person. Now that I look at the present, his smartness became cockiness. Hardworking to procrastinating or laziness. His caring nature became a selfish one.

            This all changed within two years after the first time I met him. How is it possible? I can only presume from some information I have gathered from other friends. One, it can be because he is in a relationship now and forgot his duties as the leader of the club. Two, he has lost interest in taking a leadership role. Three, he has forgotten to take off his body armor and have become too absorbed with himself. I will never know if it’s all of the above, one of them, or none at all.

            The more and more changes he has made to his personality, the more and more I start to lose respect for a great guy I used to know. I liked him the way he was before, but I will never know what has made him change so quickly. Even though it seems like the symptoms of having body armor, I can never be sure. It’s sad how a great guy can fall in just two years time.

            I wonder if I will be like him in the future or different. I want to maintain who I am now. A responsible, outgoing, caring, honest, and a unique person. To be respected within the community and to be liked by all people. This is going to be part of my journey to happiness.

            The friend I use to know was smart and humble. He would listen to other’s ideas without asking rhetorical questions about your intelligence. He used to complete tasks within a timeframe, but now they are all excuses on why he can’t complete them at all or on time. He was once a caring friend who helped me talk about issues in my life. No matter what the issues were, he would set the time for me to talk to him. Now he is just so occupied with his life, that he doesn’t have the time for me or anything else.

            It’s sad how you can lose a friend in just two years time because of a personality change. I personally think he has forgotten to take off his armor, but I will never know. Perhaps in the future, we would be good friends again…

Chapter 18- The King's Knights

             What is loyalty? How do you define it? How do you gain it? It is a very hard thing to talk about because everyone has their own definitions. In this chapter, I will talk how I show my loyalty and what I expect from loyal friends.

            To gain someone’s loyalty, one must be able to show trust and respect. These are the two most common factors of loyalty. Combine these two together and you get loyalty. How much of these two components will define how loyal a person is to an extent. Would they help you out in times of need? Would they put themselves in front of danger for you? Or would they run away and leave you by yourself?

            My loyalty is very hard to get, but once you get it, you will get a very loyal person. If you abuse my loyalty, I will never be loyal to you again. Those who have shown great care and understanding shall receive my loyalty. Especially in my desperate time would I owe a debt of gratitude. In my books, this debt can’t be paid off because I feel like I owe a priceless item obtained from them. If you give me care and understanding, I would return twice the amount. If you gave me happiness, I will give you double the happiness you gave to me. If you think about it, it’s the basic action reaction concept. Or treat others the way you want to be treated.

            What do I expect from a loyal person? It’s actually simple, what I do for them would be returned as a gesture of loyalty. If I gave you respect because you are a worthy friend, I would simply expect that you give me respect as well. If I gave you a gift for our friendship, accept it and acknowledge that our friendship is valuable. That’s something that doesn’t need to be returned because it has no price to it, but a value. Although there are exceptions to the giving and getting part, this is what I expect from a loyal person. If I have found a person to be loyal, I will not state to them that they are loyal. I would treat them what a loyal friend deserves. Respect, trust, understanding, and my loyalty towards them as well.

            Even though each person has their own definitions of loyalty, but one thing alike is the feedback. You can’t get a loyal friend without being loyal to them and vice versa.

Chapter 17- My Readers

             I am very thankful for you not walking away and continuing to read my stories. Your support in me has been greatly appreciated as I continue on to write more chapters.

            This chapter is dedicated to my readers who’ve shown me that people out there still care. That in this reality, out of the negative, there is a positive. You know who you are. I hope that some of these chapters may be similar in your lives so that you and I know that we are not alone. If none of the chapters relate to you, that’s fine. Perhaps you are living the dream.

            We all have our goals in this life. Some different and some the same. No matter what our goal is, we try to achieve it. Sometimes it is the impossible, but does that mean we should give up? If you are not going to pursue it, you will never know if you will achieve it. My goal is the pursuit of happiness. It’s a direction, but all the little things build up towards the goal of happiness.

            I hope you will share these stories to the world to see. Show your friends, families, or even strangers. Your network will not know who exactly I am, but they will know that I’m a person telling my stories during a tough time in my life. This is the reason why I am still anonymous at this point. I want others to read and relate if possible while not being judgmental of who I am, what I do, and where I come from. In the society we live, there will always be some hate speech, but the intensity of the hate will be lessened since it’s not directed at me due to my anonymity.

            So, share my stories with others. Let us help each other out. If you don’t want to share, I respect your decision. I would like to thank you for keeping up with me till now and I hope that you will continue to read my following chapters. Thank you for your kindness.

Chapter 16- The Good Old Days

             Nostalgia, we all have our own moments that we all want to relive again. Was it hanging out with your friends? Meeting the One? First kiss? Living carefree? The things we cherish the most happens once. No matter how hard we try to recreate it, it will never be the same. There are too many variables from reality that prevent it from being the same. So what do we do? We store it into memory and set it as our standard to achieving happiness.

            What was a moment I cherish from the past? I think for a second and conclude that it was the time I felt like a somebody in this cold harsh world. The feeling of acceptance and care for me in this world. I cherish it and hope to relive it. Perhaps encounter a new moment that exceeds my standards. I am sure that everyone wants to be accepted into society for who they are, but I am merely assuming. Others cherish the time when they were rich, powerful, or perhaps just peaceful.

            No matter what our nostalgic days were, we all put in an effort to make our days better. But do we remember about others in our pursuit to relive the past? Do we drag them along to our road to nostalgia and bring forth a road of despair for them? We have to respect others as well. Hence our nostalgic days will never be exactly the way it was. People grow older, people change, but one thing that doesn’t change is the interaction amongst each other.

            You’ll find I keep talking about respect and tolerance for each other. I guess I cherish for my childhood where everyone was friends with everyone. The laughter of children on the playground. The carefree looks on each child’s dace. The days you could do anything you like and not do real work. Sad to say, people grow old and are introduced to the real world. It is the biggest change for us as we adapt to survive in this unforgiving world.

            What else do I cherish? I cherish the freedom that I once had. Playing with friends at their houses. Biking on a hot summer day to hang out. Sitting down by the dyke smelling the salted air followed by a cool gentle breeze. Running a school club and making new friends. Watching movies for a full day without work. The list goes on endlessly as I pour out my memories.

            The thing I cherish the most was obtaining the care and attention I received from the girl during post-secondary. That warm fuzzy feeling in my heart that changed who I am. That made me feel and open myself. That gave me the hope to continue in this cold harsh world. I hope you could understand how I feel and why I crave for it. I want to feel that my existence here has a purpose. A chance to be human again as I throw away my body armor to the side.

Chapter 15- Drawing the Line

             There are boundaries to each person. You never know what the boundaries are until you push it too far. Many people have a short tolerance, others are longer. One must respect each other’s limits or else either parties would become distant. You push them too hard and they won’t walk back.

            I know this from my own experience during post-secondary. The time I had my crisis and I relied too much for her help. Eventually she wasn’t able to support me and suggested me for seeking help. I went over her personal time boundaries which resulted in the separation of help. I too have had my personal time boundaries stepped on. There was a guy from my gaming group who had issues with real life. At first, I was really supportive and caring. I gave my support and advice to deal with the issues. Occasionally he would have a tantrum on our gaming chat just to seek attention. After five months, his issues were not resolved and his hunt for attention never stopped. Some members didn’t care anymore, others figured he was just wasting time, and I became less aware of him because it had taken a toll on me. I understand how he feels and what he’s going through, but I have issues too. How can I help others if I can’t even help myself?

            As frustrating as it seems, there was a little part of me that wanted to help him when others had given up.  I had to level with him, tell him my stories in hope that he would get something positive out of it. It’s difficult to hear and see the big picture when every single time he has his body armor on. In times of a crisis, we put on armor assuming it would solve the problems. Truth be told, I find it easier to solve your issues with your armor off as you are more open to others.

            There are other boundaries set within ourselves that others do not know. When someone is close to stepping your boundaries, draw the line and tell them your limit. Don’t let them push you over and make you do something that’s harmful to the relationship. Be assertive of your limits. If they don’t respect it, back away from them. Ask yourself a question. Why are you putting yourself open to someone who does not respect you? It’s not worth it if they treat you as a tool instead of a friend. Think about it.

Chapter 14- Two-Headed Snake

             There are people in this world that can be nice to you, but secretly talking bad things behind your back. They may seem like your friend, but actually is your enemy without you even knowing it. These people are considered very dangerous since they are crossing you without showing you that they are secretly betraying your trust.

            A perfect example of a two-headed snake would be the friend from secondary school who went out with the girl I like. He gained my trust and I told him who I liked. Thinking he was going to help me, he went out with the girl instead. Also, there are also other people whom I consider to be double-sided. These people are very hard to find, it’s usually after what they have done when you actually find out they were doing things behind your back.

            In my workplace, I find that there are usually one or two people who are like that. Not sure if it’s their own personality or if they are influenced by their leader. One coworker of mine likes to gossip and talk negative things about other coworkers. So basically people form negative feelings towards the coworker without actually forming their own views of the person. I find it very dangerous interacting with people because impressions are based upon gossip. You may have a person disliking you before you actually meet them.

            So how do you deal with these kinds of people? From my experience, always be good to them. Never tell them your weaknesses or secrets because that’s their basis for gossip. Like a snake, confront them starting with its tail. Don’t directly point out that they are wrong or they will bite back hard when you least expect it. If you don’t want trouble, stay away from them as you would when seeing a predator.

            I consider myself one-sided because I believe in being who I am. I am who I am, so I am not going to make you my friend or enemy if it’s not your choice. If I have a problem with you, I will tell you first. I won’t go behind your back and spread bad things about you because it’s not who I am. This is all part of the human interaction we do daily in our lives.

Chapter 13- Behind the Kevlar Vest

             We all got a body armor to protect us from the harshness of reality. The times when we take off our armor are when we are open, intimate, and sharing our secrets. There are some people who forgot to remove their armor once in a while and become a hardened and selfish person.

            I believe in taking off my bulletproof vest most of the time. I only put it on when I feel the need for my own personal protection. What kind of protection? Psychological and mental protection from others. There is goodness in everyone, but people forget it because of the armor. Some people are afraid to take off the armor once they have put it on. They feel safe and secure, but the emotions and caring nature are blocked.

            People need to know that the armor is there for us when we need it to protect our dignity, self-esteem, and self respect. It is not to be used daily as it is our own defensive measures. Sometimes our own defensive measures become offensive without us even knowing it. That is what I believe to be an issue when you deal with hardened and offensive person in your life. Although reality is harsh, don’t block out all the emotions that make you human.

            As you probably noticed up till now, this memoir is written with my armor off. I intend to keep it that way so I can keep it true while not being judgmental of others. Even though I may be upset with a certain person, I believe I should be calm and understanding and tell my stories.

            I personally think that’s harder to crack open a guy’s armor than it is for girls. Perhaps girls don’t wear it most of the time. In our society, guys have to be tough and dominant. We would be laughed at if we were weak or emotional. I think it should not be that way just because of gender differences. Just because of one’s gender, it doesn’t mean we can fire more shots into their armor. Sometimes the shots penetrate the armor and you hurt the person without even knowing it.

            One thing for sure when putting on the body armor, put it on when you are getting harassed or abused. Put it on when you are taking a stand for what you believe in. Put it on for what’s right. Never put it on so that you can be powerful just to harm others and become less human.