Chapter 7- My Beliefs Questioned

            With tears in my eyes, I begin to wonder. If there is a greater being watching over me. The being we call as our god or gods, do they watch over me? It seems like out of the billions of people in the world, who am I worth at all to them to feel their love and their compassion for me? I am a nobody. I’ve been praying every night since grade eleven for the same things, but I never felt like they hear me. Sometimes, I get a little good luck, but the thing I want most importantly does not occur. What do I ask for? To be loved, liked, and respected.

            Sometimes my self esteem is at its lowest. I feel like my prayers were useless. If god saw my life or heard my prayers, he or she could at least give me a hand or the support I need. I see other people getting their love from god, yet I do not. There are days I question whether a greater being exists. Maybe that’s why I never get help or have my prayers answered. Do they exist? Are gods created so that we have a sense of hope, a sense of security, and a sense of something we can commonly believe in?

            I can give you some examples of my bad fortune. When I bought lotto tickets on my birthday for two draws straight, I did not win at all. When the third draw came out and I didn’t buy the ticket with the same numbers, I would have actually won ten dollars. I’m not asking for money to fall out of the sky, but I am simple showing you my bad luck. I look back at the time in secondary school when I asked my friend to help me out with the girl I like since elementary. That incident was most unfortunate and I felt there was a force at play. Another example was when I graduated post-secondary. A few of my classmates had already landed a job within one months of graduation. Some even before graduation. Is it my sheer bad luck?

            Everything happens for a reason. Do you believe that? Or is it one of those statements you hear to reassure yourself? Sometimes I think there is a force watching us. Sometimes I think they don’t exist at all. Perhaps there’s a reason I’m writing this memoir and showing it to the public to see. I guess I’ll just have to wait and see. Hopefully I can get something positive out of this.

            I once heard from somebody, whom I can’t recall, he said a phrase which was quite unique about our own god or gods. If you ask your god for something, does he or she give it to you or are you given an opportunity to get it by yourself? The way it is phrased can even make a non-believer a believer. Everyone has their own opinions and thoughts about their god. After all I have said in this memoir so far, you can imagine how I have doubts and little hope.

            Afterlife, what is it? A place where everyone goes after death? Or two places split between the good and the evil? Or none at all? I used to think a lot of what the afterlife would be. Questioned if my life would be better there than here in this world. During my crisis, I felt like there was nothing left for me in this world. But it was the kindness and care from the girl in my post-secondary that gave me a little faith in this world and that I should continue on and tell my tale.

            I hope that someone in this world would find this memoir useful and share it on with others. If you don’t find it useful or interesting at all, you’d probably wonder why I bother sharing at all. First, it’s better to talk it out and speak my mind. And second, memoirs are bigger than us.